(The following is a companion to my original report O.J. Simpson Will Break America’s Hearts Again. Many people wanted more information and a look inside one of the most daring crime syndicates in history. Since Sportaphile is a blog of the people, we present the following:)

While appearing to be a bumbling idiot who can’t stay out of trouble to most people, under the surface lies a cunning crime lord. O.J. Simpson is to Clark Kent what Orenthal James is to Superman. He and his underlings Michael Jackson and R. Kelly terrorize the nation with their bold deeds. Secretly laughing on the inside when they piss off white people everywhere by getting off the hook using the American Justice system.

Bloody glove and socks? Orenthal James laughs at such “proof”
Videotaped having sex with a teenager? Robert Kelly scoffs at such paltry “evidence”
Jesus Juice and slumber parties? Wacko Jacko says, “it’s nothin to a boss”

I know what most of you are thinking, “but Michael Jackson and R. Kelly don’t play sports!”. Which is completely false, the proof has been in front of your face for many years. Don’t you remember Wacko Jacko schooling jordan in the video for “Jam”? Jackson made a three pointer from like two buildings away, talent like that is unheard of. This awesome array of pure hardwood domination is what sent Jordan into a downward spiral of depression and gambling. Why do you think he retired the first time?

I present exhibit A (peep the three pointer)

What about R. Kelly? This isn’t your typical R&B crooner, Robert Kelly is also an accomplished athlete. CNN even reported that he once signed a contract to play with the Atlantic City Seagulls of the U.S. Basketball League. Of course this was only because Jordan had him blackballed from NBA action. They both hail from the city of Chicago, so this was easy as pie. R. Kelly spoke exclusively with Sportaphile about his ongoing child molestation trial and didn’t seem the least bit worried. “Man.. Jacko already been there and done that, I’m not worried about the case”

He then launched into an explicit story detailing an encounter with a 10th grader, even describing her backside. “Man that ass was fatter than Jay-Z’s lips, it was like this..”

R. Kelly’s secret basketball liar can be seen 3:25 into his “Same Girl’ video with Usher

The ring leader of this operation needs no introduction, Orenthal James is responsible for the most heartache to whites in America since M*A*S*H* went off the air. He can be found at the trendiest nightclubs and golf courses in South Florida year round. In his spare time, Orenthal likes to get arrested, just so he can weasel out of doing serious jail time at the last minute. When asked if he was worried about his upcoming trial, Orenthal simply said he needed to find something to do since The Sopranos went off the air.

R. Kelly is due back in court on September 28th.
O.J. is due back in court on October 22.
Michael Jackson is in Sir Lanka having tickle parties with 4th graders