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1. Jake Plummer
When Jake Plummer retired from the NFL before this season, I assumed he was only suffering from a bruised ego and would return midseason. Boy was I wrong. The former NFL quarterback now has budding career in handball. That’s right… handball.. the least manliest sport on earth. What’s next?? If I hear about Dennis Rodman in a badminton league I’m gonna hang myself.

“I’m not going to retire and sit in a broadcast booth, because you spend more time around football than when you played,” Plummer said. “I could go tomorrow to any of the channels, probably any of them that I wanted to. I just don’t want to, though. That’s why I retired, to get away from football and do something different.”

Shut up, you sissy.

“Jake must be a pretty good handball player,” Broncos coach Mike Shanahan said. “He’s a great athlete. He uses his left hand almost as well as his right hand, which probably helps him in handball.”

Translation: “LOL I can’t believe this guy, I wonder if he’ll iron my drawz”

2. David Carr
With starting quarterback Jake Delhomme done for the year, Carr had his chance to lead the Carolina Panthers to glory this season. Instead he lost his job to Vinny Testaverde, who happens to be ninety seven years old. Vinny was wearing beige shoes with velcro straps at a bingo tournament on Tuesday, five days later he was leading the Panthers to victory.

Hey David…. I hear Jake Plummer has an opening spot on his handball team…. take a flyer homie.

3. The Miami Dolphins
First, they get completely embarrassed by Tom Brady and Randy Moss on Sunday in a blowout defeat. It looked like the Patriots were filming a commercial for Madden 2009. Immediately following the massacre, linebacker Zach Thomas was involved in a car accident with four Patriots fans and suffered whiplash. Thomas will miss today’s game in London, England as a result.

And finally, Channing Crowder…..yes.. Channing Crowder.

“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” Crowder said. “I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that.

“I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

Channing has successfully put together the dumbest quote since Miss South Carolina raised awareness on America’s map shortage.