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Dear Falcons,

I was told I’d be joining a playoff caliber team that just needed the assistance of a offensive mastermind such as myself. You told me my talents were just the ingredient you needed to to push the Falcons over the top. After i signed the contract and joined the ranks, nothing was as it seemed before.

I was expecting Michael Vick, and I got Joey Harrington… what the HELL?! Joey Harrington couldn’t pass on a cold to an AIDS patient, let alone the football. Don’t even get me started on Byron Leftwich, is it even possible to get injured while sleeping? That kid freaks me out, he looks like what would have happened if Gary Coleman managed to grow full size. **shudders**

DeAngelo hall is a loudmouthed dipshit. If he spent has as much time working on his game as he did running his mouth, then maybe Terrell Owens wouldn’t treat him like a freak at a cut party every time we play Dallas.

This team is going down faster than Sheryl Swoopes at Queen Latifah’s house, and I’m having no part of it. I Quit.

Your ex-coach,
Bobby Petrino

P.S. Tell Morten Andersen he can stop bitching about me taking the senior citizens parking space now.