Sportaphile hasn’t updated the Criminal Fantasy League standings since mid-december. As a result, tons and tons of things have piled up. At this point it would take forever to deliver my Pulitzer Prize winning commentary to accompany each story. So we’ll cover them in rapid fire succession.

Did we miss any stories? If so, don’t be afraid to send an email or reply in the comments! The full updated standings can be found at the bottom of this post.

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Football
New England Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss has been accused of battering a longtime friend and preventing her from seeking medical attention. Although he hasn’t been arrested yet, we DO give points for “alleged” crimes in a reduced capacity. If he is eventually charged, we will update this point total to the appropriate amount. For now we can chalk up 25 points for Randy and the football squad.

Tennessee dumbass Pacman Jones allegedly punched a divorce lawyer in the face earlier this month. Like Randy Moss, he has not been arrested and will receive a reduced allegation penalty. 25 points for dumb dumb.

Former guard for the Chicago Bears, Todd Burger, was arrested for his part in an alleged internet gambling ring. 100 points for he footballers.

University of Minnesota football player William VanDeSteeg was charged with two counts of fifth degree assault after getting into it with a couple guys in front of a liquor store. That’s 100 points.

Oklahoma starting defensive tackle DeMarcus Granger was sent home before the Fiesta Bowl in Arizona. Turns out Granger went shopping at a local mall, and decided to use his five finger discount. Yeah, that’ll look really good on your resume. /sarcasm That’s 50 points.

Jacksonville Jaguars offensive tackle Stockar McDougle is being charged with felony and misdemeanor battery charges after pushing a store owner and employee, over a billing dispute. Thats 150 points.

Minnesota Vikings safety Dwight Smith and defensive end Darrion Scott were cited in seperate incidents for misdemeanor possession of marijuana. Thats 100 points.

Finally the “you big dummy” criminal of the week goes to Pernell Thompson, a football player at Wingate University. Thompson and his wife are charged in the stabbing death of his 16 year old ex-girlfriend. Thats 100 points for his felony charge (his wife doesn’t count)

Football has accumilated 650 points since mid December.

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Basketball

Lebron James got caught going over 100 miles an hour in his white Mercedes and received a ticket, this lowly infraction nets him 20 points

Former Georgia Tech basketball player Will Bynum (who is playing in Israel) was arrested after running over a man after leaving a nightclub brawl. Thats 50 points.

Former NBA star Isaiah Rider a.k.a. “Can’t get right” was arrested for outstanding warrants in Berkeley,CA after a report of a passenger/cab driver dispute. 50 points.

New Mexico State basketball player Herb Pope was found unresponsive in a running car. He was charged with DUI, reckless endangerment, underage drinking and a traffic offense. 200 points for the B-Ball Squad.

Basketball has accumilated 420 points since mid December. (we included Glen Rice’s trapped in the closet episode.

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Baseball

Former all-star pitcher Matt Keough was thrown in the slammer for violating the terms of his probation. Turns out he was binge drinking at a hotel less than a week after he was released for a prior alcohol related violation. Maybe he needs to be in rehab, instead of jail… just a thought. 50 points.

Former MLB player Jim Leyritz faces charges of DUI manslaughter and DUI property damage. 200 points

Baseball has racked up 250 points since mid December

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Soccer

San Jose Shark forward Ryane Clowe was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. 100 points.

Minor hockey league player David Cornacchia was arrested after his flight touched down in Dallas. Cornacchia took a page from Jermaine Cunningham’s book and slapped a flight attendant, headbutted another passenger, and exposed himself. lol He was promptly arrested by the FBI from which he’s facing a federal charge of interfering with a flight. 100 points for davey.

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1. Baseball – 5,350 points (5 performance enhancers, 80 “Mitchell Report” cases, 2 arrests)
2. Football – 2,720 Points (25 arrests, 2 positive tests, 2 alleged crimes)
3. Basketball – 870 Points (10 arrests, 2 allegations, 1 lebron ticket)
4. Other Sports – 350 Points (1 steroid allegation, 1 positive test, 1 arrest)
5. Wrestling/Boxing/MMA - 200 Points (1 Positive Steroid Test, 1 arrest)
6. Hockey 200 points (2 arrests)
7. Soccer
8. Tennis
9. Auto Sports
10. Golf