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2009 will be the 30th anniversary of ESPN on the air, and to celebrate their success they’ve hired 30 different filmmakers to make documentaries to talk about how great they are. One of those filmmakers just so happens to be Spike Lee.

Lee and 29 other A-list directors, including Richard Linklater and Davis Guggenheim, have each been recruited by the network to make an hour-long documentary about a sports topic close to his or her heart. Lee, a die-hard New York Knicks fan, has yet to announce the nature of his project.

The documentaries under the newly-launched ESPN Films will begin airing Tuesday nights on ESPN in Sept. 2009 and be televised through 2010.

Spike may be tight lipped about the nature of his project, but I know EXACTLY how it’s going to play out. Spike Lee films all contain specific elements and trademarks unique to him. Here’s what we can expect in his work for ESPN.

1. A Steamy Sex Scene Between Dana Jacobson and Chris Berman - All Spike Lee movies have graphic animalistic sex somewhere within the film. A drunk Dana Jacobson stumbles into the office late night, looking for extra bottles of Grey Goose. She’s unable to find one, but she does find Chris Berman, and a couple of Deux Deux’s, straight from Canada baby.

2. RACISM! Stuart Scott Is Harassed In The Workplace - It’s just not a Spike Lee movie unless whitey is hating on somebody.. so unfair. Little Stuart Scott is preparing his notes before a SportsCenter broadcast when he’s approached by a producer and asked to “blacken it up” a little.

What? You thought he says “BOO-YOW!!!” every five seconds because he wants to. No sir. They force ya boy to get his Bojangles on.

3. Heavy Drug Use and A Violent Death - Ahh the grand finale, the movie would just be boring if someone didn’t get loaded and killed. You thought Michael Irvin simply left the network didn’t you? Ahahaha silly rabbit. MICHAEL IRVIN IS DEAD. His crack cocaine habit got out of hand, and one day Stephen A. Smith caught him stealing quarters out of his car’s ash tray.

“You are absolutely pathetic Michael!”, a visibly angry Stephen A. Smith said. “Quite frankly, as a black man I’m shocked and appalled at your terrible behavior. It’s time to die. You’re ruining the negro gene pool”

Stephen A. then pulls out a pistol and kills Irvin in the parking lot.