This is significant because unlike most of the Mitchell Report, Conte will be able to give first hand accounts of what did and didn’t happen with many athletes. For the last few years, Conte has been proven to be truthful when calling out athletes for taking drugs (namely Marion Jones) so unlike Jose Canseco, we can rest assured there is no ulterior motive for this book.

Conte, in conjunction with co-author Nathan Jendrick, promises to share “the dirt, the drugs, the doses, the names, dates and places, and a ‘prescription’ for a brighter future.”

He promises the “complete truth in its honest, unadulterated and raw form” and says he is “ready to tell the world everything.”

I’ve seen Victor Conte give interviews here on local Bay Area TV stations, and he’s always seemed extremely candid and confident in what he says. Unlike most people involved with steroids and performance enhancing drugs, he doesnt stutter, stammer, and give long pauses when faced with tough questions. Lastly, Victor Conte isn’t scared to speak his mind about how the U.S. gov’t is full of sh-t and plans to do so in ‘the straight dope’.

This book will be a great read to say the least.

1. Randy Moss’ Beard
Forget about going to court over your alleged battery of a woman. If you don’t shave that nappy ass beard I’m going to sue you myself. When your neck looks like Roy Jones’ chest… there is a problem.

2. Dana Stubblefield
The former San Francisco 49er plead guilty to lying to federal investigators today, in connection to the BALCO fiasco. I’ve always thought Stubblefield was an overrated player, who benefited from playing next to Bryant Young. This charge will gain him 100 points in the Criminal Fantasy League.

The feds really have it out for rich black people in the last 12 months, off the dome I can name a bunch who have charged with federal crimes.

- Michael Vick
- Marion Jones
- T.I.
- DJ Drama
- Barry Bonds

I’m almost positive I’m missing a few…

3. The Cincinnati Bengals
Stop pissing off your BEST PLAYER!!! It looks like Chad’s been campaigning to be traded, even though coach Marvin Lewis said it’s not happening. Chad took this photo of him holding up a Washington Redskins jersey with his name written on the back. Hmmmm. (thanks to BlackSportsOnline for the pic)

4. Hershel Walker
The former NFL running back is releasing a book this summer that reveals he suffers from multiple personality disorder…. We don’t believe you Hersh, you need more people. How is it your closest friends never knew about this or even suspected anything was wrong?

“I’m probably one of his closest friends and that’s news to me,” said Frank Ros, who was captain of Georgia’s 1980 national championship team. “I knew he was working on a book but I just thought it was about football. He does 100 things at once and always has projects going on, but that blows me away.”

5. Terrell Owens
LOL. I’m a big fan but still…

6. Golfweek and LSU Fans
You can’t put a noose on your cover and expect everyone to be okay with that…. and speaking of race… check out the LSU fans in this video. This is exactly why I’m glad I live in California.

And just because I don’t want to end this post on a racist note. Here’s my favorite American Idol clip of the week. I’ve seen it at least 15 times, in it’s entirety.

Did we miss any stories? If so, don’t be afraid to send an email or reply in the comments!

Sportaphile is gaining tons of new visitors each month, so if you have no idea what the CFL is, CLICK HERE to get the lowdown & rules.

Football
New England Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss has been accused of battering a longtime friend and preventing her from seeking medical attention. Although he hasn’t been arrested yet, we DO give points for “alleged” crimes in a reduced capacity. If he is eventually charged, we will update this point total to the appropriate amount. For now we can chalk up 25 points for Randy and the football squad.

Tennessee dumbass Pacman Jones allegedly punched a divorce lawyer in the face earlier this month. Like Randy Moss, he has not been arrested and will receive a reduced allegation penalty. 25 points for dumb dumb.

Former guard for the Chicago Bears, Todd Burger, was arrested for his part in an alleged internet gambling ring. 100 points for he footballers.

University of Minnesota football player William VanDeSteeg was charged with two counts of fifth degree assault after getting into it with a couple guys in front of a liquor store. That’s 100 points.

Oklahoma starting defensive tackle DeMarcus Granger was sent home before the Fiesta Bowl in Arizona. Turns out Granger went shopping at a local mall, and decided to use his five finger discount. Yeah, that’ll look really good on your resume. /sarcasm That’s 50 points.

Jacksonville Jaguars offensive tackle Stockar McDougle is being charged with felony and misdemeanor battery charges after pushing a store owner and employee, over a billing dispute. Thats 150 points.

Minnesota Vikings safety Dwight Smith and defensive end Darrion Scott were cited in seperate incidents for misdemeanor possession of marijuana. Thats 100 points.

Finally the “you big dummy” criminal of the week goes to Pernell Thompson, a football player at Wingate University. Thompson and his wife are charged in the stabbing death of his 16 year old ex-girlfriend. Thats 100 points for his felony charge (his wife doesn’t count)

Football has accumilated 650 points since mid December.

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Basketball

Lebron James got caught going over 100 miles an hour in his white Mercedes and received a ticket, this lowly infraction nets him 20 points

Former Georgia Tech basketball player Will Bynum (who is playing in Israel) was arrested after running over a man after leaving a nightclub brawl. Thats 50 points.

Former NBA star Isaiah Rider a.k.a. “Can’t get right” was arrested for outstanding warrants in Berkeley,CA after a report of a passenger/cab driver dispute. 50 points.

New Mexico State basketball player Herb Pope was found unresponsive in a running car. He was charged with DUI, reckless endangerment, underage drinking and a traffic offense. 200 points for the B-Ball Squad.

Basketball has accumilated 420 points since mid December. (we included Glen Rice’s trapped in the closet episode.

==============================

Baseball

Former all-star pitcher Matt Keough was thrown in the slammer for violating the terms of his probation. Turns out he was binge drinking at a hotel less than a week after he was released for a prior alcohol related violation. Maybe he needs to be in rehab, instead of jail… just a thought. 50 points.

Former MLB player Jim Leyritz faces charges of DUI manslaughter and DUI property damage. 200 points

Baseball has racked up 250 points since mid December

========================

Soccer

San Jose Shark forward Ryane Clowe was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. 100 points.

Minor hockey league player David Cornacchia was arrested after his flight touched down in Dallas. Cornacchia took a page from Jermaine Cunningham’s book and slapped a flight attendant, headbutted another passenger, and exposed himself. lol He was promptly arrested by the FBI from which he’s facing a federal charge of interfering with a flight. 100 points for davey.

==================

1. Baseball – 5,350 points (5 performance enhancers, 80 “Mitchell Report” cases, 2 arrests)
2. Football – 2,720 Points (25 arrests, 2 positive tests, 2 alleged crimes)
3. Basketball – 870 Points (10 arrests, 2 allegations, 1 lebron ticket)
4. Other Sports – 350 Points (1 steroid allegation, 1 positive test, 1 arrest)
5. Wrestling/Boxing/MMA - 200 Points (1 Positive Steroid Test, 1 arrest)
6. Hockey 200 points (2 arrests)
7. Soccer
8. Tennis
9. Auto Sports
10. Golf

We are in trouble when coaches are more gangsta than some players *cough Isaiah cough*.  Where’s Nick Van Exel, that brotha was straight up 730.  S. loves Tim Duncan but he has ushered in a movement of quiet dignity, which is good, however, every now and then you need Anthony Mason aka Mase to put a forearm in someone’s grill.  Stank-0 understands The Palace Coup is still fresh in peoples’ minds, but the last big fight was ’Melo sucker punchin someone and then backpedallin out of harm’s way.  WTF!?   

 Stank-0 is upset because he called the CFL for the NBA and then the Mitchell Report upset the apple cart.  The NBA has the players to mount a CFL comeback, but KG has fire not the kind that gets Massah Stern to hand out suspensions.  Ricky Davis is under the thumb of the man Pat Riley, so….he’s out.  Our only hope is the Knicks.  That team has too many volatile personalities and too many losses to keep it together for 82.  Of course there’s always Ron Artest, homey is one bad call away. 

The Stankoniforous One

Lots of activity for the CFL in the last week or two, including the infamous Mitchell Report. This turned out to be a little trickier than I originally anticipated due to two main issues.

1. The scoring of the CFL is divided into two sections, alleged crimes and proven cases. Thats not to say the alleged cases didn’t happen. But at the end of the day, if you can’t prove it, you can’t prove it. So in this instance unless someone tests positive, gets caught red handed with the drug, or admits to using, there is no proof.

2. Some of the guys mentioned in the report had already been outed (Barry Bonds, Sheffield, Giambi, Matt Williams etc etc).

So after sorting out who admitted to using, who we already knew about, I came up with the following numbers.

- 88 players were named in the report
- 8 players had already been outed, or alleged prior to its release (that leaves 80).
- 12 of those 80 players admitted to using performance enhacing drugs.

12 confessions equal 1,200 points (100 each)
68 remaining allegations equal 3,400 points (50 pts each)

That’s a grand total of 4,600 points for the Baseball in the Criminal Fantasy League in regards to the Mitchell Report.

This point total will continue to grow as more players cave into the pressures and admit to using performance enhancing drugs.

————

Arkansas State basketball star Adrian Banks was arrested for firing a gun. He claims he found the gun during a fight, and instead of hiding it or leaving, he started shooting in the air to empty the gun of its bullets and protect his team mates. Smart….. real smart. This is 50 points for the basketball squad.

————

Brandon Rush of the Kansas Jayhawks was arrested for failing to appear in court for traffic charges. The charges stem from Rush being pulled over in October for speeding, and driving on the wrong side of the road. 50 points more for the B-Ballers.

————

Rick Adelman’s son, R.J. Adelman who is currently an assistant coach for the Houston Rockets, was charged with with drunken driving a week and a half ago. He’s since taken a leave of absence from the team. I’m not sure if he’s getting his mind right, or if they made him take it so they can fire him later. That’s 50 points for the B-Ball squad.

————

Yemi Babalola of Texas A&M was charged with two aggravated robbery counts and one count of misdemeanor marijuana possession a week and a half ago. That’s 250 points for the Football squad.

————

Broncos punter Todd Sauerbrun got into it with a cab driver, and ended up being charged with simple assault. Poor guy, punters are the wussiest players on the team so they have to take their aggression out on somebody right? Thats 50 points for the footballers.

———–

Updated Standings

1. Baseball – 5,100 points (5 performance enhancers, 80 “Mitchell Report” cases)
2. Football – 2,170 Points (17 arrests, 2 positive tests)
3. Basketball – 450 Points (7 arrests, 2 allegations)
4. Other Sports – 350 Points (1 steroid allegation, 1 positive test, 1 arrest)
5. Wrestling/Boxing/MMA – 200 Points (1 Positive Steroid Test, 1 arrest)
6. Golf
7. Soccer
8. Tennis
9. Auto Sports
10. NHL Hockey

I can sympathize with him, everytime I go to Subway and say “NO MAYONNAISE” they look me dead in the eye and put it on anyways. How cool would it be to pound someone upside the head with a cold cut? Jermaine Cunningham is a hero. He actually assaulted the worker because they asked him to pay for a bag of chips, but I forgive him due to the style points of the crime.

Unfortunately this is 50 points for the football squad in the Criminal Fantasy League.

——

Minnesota Vikings defensive end Ray Edwards will be sitting at home on the couch for the next four games due to violating the NFL’s steroid abuse policy. It looks like the steroids didn’t help much, because Edwards lost his starting job last week to Erasmus James.

Steroids count as 100 points in the CFL for the football squad.

——

And finally, Darrell Hackney, the third string quarterback for the Denver Broncos was arrested for a DUI this week. Way to ruin your shot at the NFL buddy. The Arena Football League awaits you.

50 points in the CFL

——

Updated Standings

1. Football – 1870 Points (16 arrests, 2 positive tests)
2. Baseball – 500 points (5 performance enhancers)
3. Other Sports – 350 Points (1 steroid allegation, 1 positive test, 1 arrest)
4. Basketball – 300 Points (4 arrests, 2 allegations)
5. Wrestling/Boxing/MMA – 200 Points (1 Positive Steroid Test, 1 arrest)
6. Golf
7. Soccer
8. Tennis
9. Auto Sports
10. NHL Hockey

You know what I think happened? This chick got tired of none of her friends believing her story about an NBA star picking up on her and decided to do something about it. The accusations of assault do add 25 points for the basketball squad though … chump change I know, but every little bit counts.

Mary Delgado, the former Tampa Bay Buccaneers cheerleader was arrested for clocking her boyfriend in the mouth Wednesday. Seriously, the next time she asks him to pass the turkey he might wanna go ahead and handle that. Mary now joins an exclusive list of other man beaters like Oprah in The Color Purple. This counts as 50 points for the football squad.

Speaking of the Tampa Bay Bucs, their linebacker Cato June was arrested for suspected DUI on the 18th. This part of the article made me chuckle a little:

The coach said he doesn’t believe the arrest will become a distraction for the Bucs (6-4), who lead the NFC South by two games.

“We’re going to address it privately with Cato,” Gruden said. “Obviously, any time one of our players or coaches is involved in something like this, we’ll address it. I don’t believe it will be a distraction, but I think it’s something we all can certainly learn from and grow from.”

Of course it won’t be a distraction, its Cato June, not Tom Brady. Journeyman linebackers don’t disturb anyone except Shaun Alexander. Anyways, this is 50 more points for football.

————————

New Standings..

1. Football – 1670 Points (14 arrests, 1 positive test)
2. Baseball – 500 points (5 performance enhancers)
3. Other Sports – 350 Points (1 steroid allegation, 1 positive test, 1 arrest)
4. Basketball – 300 Points (4 arrests, 2 allegations)
5. Wrestling/Boxing/MMA – 200 Points (1 Positive Steroid Test, 1 arrest)
6. Golf
7. Soccer
8. Tennis
9. Auto Sports
10. NHL Hockey

It appears Chris couldn’t leave well enough alone, because he’s now being investigated for another incdent where he allegedly “menaced and harassed” a parking attendant.

(Newport, KY) — Police were called to the parking garage of Newport on the Levee Tuesday night, on reports of a pair of disorderly customers. Investigators say Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry and another man, Alston Desious Dyneal fought with a valet parking attendant after they tried to park their car without paying.

An argument allegedly ensued, with Henry reportedly saying “don’t you know who I am.” Levee Security was called, but the pair left. The report says both Henry and Alston were banned from the Levee and were asked to leave. No one has been arrested.

A spokesman for the Bengals says “We are aware of the reports. At this point it’s not clear that anything substansive will develop.”

I originally thought Chris was stupid for constantly having trouble with the law, but haven’t we all forgotten that elves are prone to mischief? That’s his nature!! I’ve always thought Chris looked like Link from The Legend Of Zelda, maybe they’re long lost cousins.

What makes this whole thing funny is Jose Guillen spoke with ESPN The Magazine about how cheaters are destroying the game of baseball earlier this year:

“That is something I never considered in my life,” Guillen is quoted as saying. “You’re ruining your whole career. You’re ruining your reputation. This really is hurting baseball right now, the image of the game.”

However, records from the Palm Beach Rejuvenation Center indicate Guillen ordered three different types of human growth hormone, two forms of testosterone and the steroids stanozolol and nandrolone during a three-year span.

People in glass houses……

This rakes in 300 points for the baseball squad (100 for each guy) in the Criminal Fantasy League

———————–

Updated Standings

1. Football – 1570 Points (12 arrests, 1 positive test)
2. Baseball – 500 points (5 performance enhancers)
3. Other Sports – 350 Points (1 steroid allegation, 1 positive test, 1 arrest)
4. Basketball – 275 Points (4 arrests, 1 allegation)
5. Wrestling/Boxing/MMA – 200 Points (1 Positive Steroid Test, 1 arrest)
6. Golf
7. Soccer
8. Tennis
9. Auto Sports
10. NHL Hockey

2. Andy Reid
This has been a tough week for Andy, with his sons racking up more arrests than Pacman Jones. There’s been alot of talk about a judge calling his home “a drug emporium”, which is extremely sad. Personally I don’t understand why this has gotten so much press, his children don’t have anything to do with the Philadelphia eagles, and they’re grown men. Let them handle their legal troubles on their own, I’m more concerned with Andy’s health than anything. Have you guys heard how hard he’s breathing during interviews?

3. Mike Cameron
It’s bad enough he tested positive for a banned stimulant just hours before filing for free agency, now Mike Cameron has admitted to playing drunk in the past. Idiot.

Interestingly, another Padre, center fielder Mike Cameron, had a more intimate experience with game-day tipsiness:

“Sh-t, I’ve played drunk.”

When?

“New York City.”

What were the circumstances?

“I went four for four with two jacks and eight ribbies. I’m not saying that’s the only day I played drunk, but that was the best one.”

4. Football Players
Whether it’s college or professional, football players are constantly in some sort of trouble.

- Two Jacksonville Jaguars were arrested this weekend in minor incidents, rookie linebacker Justin Durant and second-year offensive tackle Richard Collier will not participate in today’s game as a result. Both men’s arrests count as 100 points for the football squad in the CFL.

- Second year Tennessee Volunteers running back LaMarcus Coker was dismissed from the team after failing his fourth drug test. See ya at Wal-Mart buddy.

- Tennessee Titans rookie halfback Chris Henry will be suspended 4 games for testing positive for a banned substance. Whatever he took is illegal but is NOT considered a performance enhancing drug, which is always good.

5. Mike D’Antoni
Phil Jackson pulled his card. INGLEWOOOOOOD