After serving a two year jail sentence, and losing every earthly possession, I hope he lands on his feet after he’s released.

Willie D. Clark is currently incarcerated (on unrelated charges) and decided to write a letter to one of his fellow gang members discussing his role in the killing of Darrent Williams. The problem is, the letter was intercepted by another inmate who then gave the letter to The Rocky Mountain News in hopes of cashing in on a $100,000 reward.

In the letter, Clark says he is worried someone who saw him shoot “D-Will” – a nickname for Williams – will start talking to police about the killing.

“(The person) seen me with the gun and shoot out the whip [car],” the letter states.

The stupidity doesn’t end there. Clark won’t be able to simply deny he wrote the letter, because he wrote a separate letter to The Rocky Mountain News in the past. Yes, you read that correctly, the newspaper already has a sample of his writing from a letter he wrote to them “clearing his name”.

At the newspaper’s urging, the source this month turned over a copy of the letter to law enforcement, which conducted a handwriting analysis.

Denver District Attorney Mitch Morrissey declined to comment on the letter or the investigation Thursday. But a law enforcement source said the writing in the letter matched a handwriting sample police obtained from Clark.”

So yeah… he’s a goner, justice will be served.

R.I.P. Darrent Williams

[SportsByBrooks]

Apparently in the unsealed FBI affidavits, a big time client of the escort service “Emperor’s Club” from Chicago was mentioned, and Michael Jordan’s name instantly surfaced as a possible candidate. That’s powerful stuff right there, just think about it. All someone has to do is mention a whore’s name in Chicago and the immediate reaction is “Michael Jordan”.

Corporations kill for that kind of name association.

Jordan’s money grubbing lawyer Frederick Sperling jumped all over this and put the rumors to bed, “I have just received confirmation from Assistant U.S. Attorney Rita Glavin in New York that our client Michael Jordan is neither a subject nor a target of this investigation.”

Michael has the white girl market cornered so thoroughly that you can’t touch a midwestern gal without going through him first. Mike is doing for Chicago what O.J. did for Los Angeles in the late 80s. The only difference is MJ may love white girls, but O.J. loved white girls to death. *RIMSHOT!*

[story found at SportsByBrooks]

After frequently denying ever having used performance-enhancing drugs, Jones admitted she had lied to federal investigators in November 2003. Jones also admitted lying about her knowledge of the involvement of Tim Montgomery, the father of her older son, in a scheme to cash millions of dollars worth of stolen or forged checks.

I figured this would be the perfect chance to take a look back at our profile of Marion’s potential prison mates. Big Shirley will give Marion all the love and care she can muster.

So we’ve learned a few things today as a result of the congressional meeting on Capitol hill.

1. Andy Pettitte is terrified of going to jail, even if it means ratting out his best friend. He’s singing like a canary to get this mess behind him. I hope Roger never did anything “at bandcamp”, or Andy’s telling.

2. Debbie Clemens admitted to taking two ‘test shots’ of HGH because Brian McNamee suggested it. She made it seem like he forced her into taking this, when in reality her vanity issues were the most likely cause.

3. Although his best friend, wife, and personal trainer have all admitted to dealing with performance enhancing drugs, Roger claims he knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

I believe this extraordinary act of lying in the face of mountainous evidence puts Clemens in the “O.J. Simpson” category. Or Shaggy in the “It wasn’t me” video from back in the day. She caught you naked on the bathroom floor Shaggy… just admit it!!

Whatever happened to friends to the end, like Greg Anderson aka G-Money? Greg did two stints in jail to get Barry Bonds’ back, refusing to talk to prosecutors who were hot on his boy’s trail.

Andy Pettitte is not hip hop.

Let’s analyze the lyrics by the esteemed scholar from Yonkers, Mr. X

I f-ck with these h0es from a distance
The instant they start to catch feelings
I start to stealin they sh-t
then I’m out just like a thief in the night
I sink my teeth in to bite
You thinkin life, I’m thinkin more like – whassup tonight?
Come on ma, you know I got a wife
and even though that p-ssy tight I’m not gon’ jeapordize my life

Michael was trying to get Lisa to kick rocks so Juanita wouldn’t run off with half of his fortune, but his resistance was futile. In the second verse of the song, Mr. X lists off the names of his various conquests, which further details the insignificance of just one woman.

(if you’re at work, it would probably be best if you didn’t watch the video.. or at least put some headphones on)

On a completely unrelated note, doesn’t Jordan’s ex wife Juanita look like Burt from Sesame Street?

1. Randy Moss’ Beard
Forget about going to court over your alleged battery of a woman. If you don’t shave that nappy ass beard I’m going to sue you myself. When your neck looks like Roy Jones’ chest… there is a problem.

2. Dana Stubblefield
The former San Francisco 49er plead guilty to lying to federal investigators today, in connection to the BALCO fiasco. I’ve always thought Stubblefield was an overrated player, who benefited from playing next to Bryant Young. This charge will gain him 100 points in the Criminal Fantasy League.

The feds really have it out for rich black people in the last 12 months, off the dome I can name a bunch who have charged with federal crimes.

- Michael Vick
- Marion Jones
- T.I.
- DJ Drama
- Barry Bonds

I’m almost positive I’m missing a few…

3. The Cincinnati Bengals
Stop pissing off your BEST PLAYER!!! It looks like Chad’s been campaigning to be traded, even though coach Marvin Lewis said it’s not happening. Chad took this photo of him holding up a Washington Redskins jersey with his name written on the back. Hmmmm. (thanks to BlackSportsOnline for the pic)

4. Hershel Walker
The former NFL running back is releasing a book this summer that reveals he suffers from multiple personality disorder…. We don’t believe you Hersh, you need more people. How is it your closest friends never knew about this or even suspected anything was wrong?

“I’m probably one of his closest friends and that’s news to me,” said Frank Ros, who was captain of Georgia’s 1980 national championship team. “I knew he was working on a book but I just thought it was about football. He does 100 things at once and always has projects going on, but that blows me away.”

5. Terrell Owens
LOL. I’m a big fan but still…

6. Golfweek and LSU Fans
You can’t put a noose on your cover and expect everyone to be okay with that…. and speaking of race… check out the LSU fans in this video. This is exactly why I’m glad I live in California.

And just because I don’t want to end this post on a racist note. Here’s my favorite American Idol clip of the week. I’ve seen it at least 15 times, in it’s entirety.

Did we miss any stories? If so, don’t be afraid to send an email or reply in the comments!

Sportaphile is gaining tons of new visitors each month, so if you have no idea what the CFL is, CLICK HERE to get the lowdown & rules.

Football
New England Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss has been accused of battering a longtime friend and preventing her from seeking medical attention. Although he hasn’t been arrested yet, we DO give points for “alleged” crimes in a reduced capacity. If he is eventually charged, we will update this point total to the appropriate amount. For now we can chalk up 25 points for Randy and the football squad.

Tennessee dumbass Pacman Jones allegedly punched a divorce lawyer in the face earlier this month. Like Randy Moss, he has not been arrested and will receive a reduced allegation penalty. 25 points for dumb dumb.

Former guard for the Chicago Bears, Todd Burger, was arrested for his part in an alleged internet gambling ring. 100 points for he footballers.

University of Minnesota football player William VanDeSteeg was charged with two counts of fifth degree assault after getting into it with a couple guys in front of a liquor store. That’s 100 points.

Oklahoma starting defensive tackle DeMarcus Granger was sent home before the Fiesta Bowl in Arizona. Turns out Granger went shopping at a local mall, and decided to use his five finger discount. Yeah, that’ll look really good on your resume. /sarcasm That’s 50 points.

Jacksonville Jaguars offensive tackle Stockar McDougle is being charged with felony and misdemeanor battery charges after pushing a store owner and employee, over a billing dispute. Thats 150 points.

Minnesota Vikings safety Dwight Smith and defensive end Darrion Scott were cited in seperate incidents for misdemeanor possession of marijuana. Thats 100 points.

Finally the “you big dummy” criminal of the week goes to Pernell Thompson, a football player at Wingate University. Thompson and his wife are charged in the stabbing death of his 16 year old ex-girlfriend. Thats 100 points for his felony charge (his wife doesn’t count)

Football has accumilated 650 points since mid December.

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Basketball

Lebron James got caught going over 100 miles an hour in his white Mercedes and received a ticket, this lowly infraction nets him 20 points

Former Georgia Tech basketball player Will Bynum (who is playing in Israel) was arrested after running over a man after leaving a nightclub brawl. Thats 50 points.

Former NBA star Isaiah Rider a.k.a. “Can’t get right” was arrested for outstanding warrants in Berkeley,CA after a report of a passenger/cab driver dispute. 50 points.

New Mexico State basketball player Herb Pope was found unresponsive in a running car. He was charged with DUI, reckless endangerment, underage drinking and a traffic offense. 200 points for the B-Ball Squad.

Basketball has accumilated 420 points since mid December. (we included Glen Rice’s trapped in the closet episode.

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Baseball

Former all-star pitcher Matt Keough was thrown in the slammer for violating the terms of his probation. Turns out he was binge drinking at a hotel less than a week after he was released for a prior alcohol related violation. Maybe he needs to be in rehab, instead of jail… just a thought. 50 points.

Former MLB player Jim Leyritz faces charges of DUI manslaughter and DUI property damage. 200 points

Baseball has racked up 250 points since mid December

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Soccer

San Jose Shark forward Ryane Clowe was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. 100 points.

Minor hockey league player David Cornacchia was arrested after his flight touched down in Dallas. Cornacchia took a page from Jermaine Cunningham’s book and slapped a flight attendant, headbutted another passenger, and exposed himself. lol He was promptly arrested by the FBI from which he’s facing a federal charge of interfering with a flight. 100 points for davey.

==================

1. Baseball – 5,350 points (5 performance enhancers, 80 “Mitchell Report” cases, 2 arrests)
2. Football – 2,720 Points (25 arrests, 2 positive tests, 2 alleged crimes)
3. Basketball – 870 Points (10 arrests, 2 allegations, 1 lebron ticket)
4. Other Sports – 350 Points (1 steroid allegation, 1 positive test, 1 arrest)
5. Wrestling/Boxing/MMA - 200 Points (1 Positive Steroid Test, 1 arrest)
6. Hockey 200 points (2 arrests)
7. Soccer
8. Tennis
9. Auto Sports
10. Golf

Big Shirley
Hometown: New Orleans, Lousiana
Height: 5’7
Weight: 287lbs
Prison Weapon Of Choice: Hot chicken grease
Advantages: Can hook you up with extra jello and chocolate milks.
Disadvantages: Getting on her bad side could seriously jeopardize your meals
Notes: Big Shirley is doing 10 years after finding her husband in bed with the mail lady. She beat them to the point of unconsciousness with the giant wooden spoon she had hanging on the wall. Shirley is highly respected behind the walls, she works in the kitchen and won’t hesitate to use utensils or hot grease as a weapon.


Tina
Hometown:Las Vegas, Nevada
Height: 5’4
Weight: 103lbs
Prison Weapon Of Choice: Hot Curling Iron
Advantages: Can get you drugs
Disadvantages: Will steal your shit and sell it.
Notes: Tina is a classic drug abuser, she’s in jail for trying to transport drugs across state lines. She can be a strong ally due to the fact that she will do whatever you want in exchange for a fix.

Tracy
Hometown:San Francisco, California
Height: 5’10
Weight: 184lbs
Prison Weapon Of Choice: Rape
Idol: Queen Latifah
Advantages: Can protect you from everyone
Disadvantages: That protection comes at a price, you walk around the cellblock with your hand in Tracy’s back pocket.
Notes: Tracy is in jail for stabbing a guy who stole her girlfriend. Doesn’t want to leave jail because she enjoys converting fresh meat.

Julianna
Hometown:Phoenix, Arizona
Height: 5’5
Weight: 135lbs
Prison Weapon Of Choice: Sex
Advantages: Can make your wildest dreams come true
Disadvantages: She has HIV
Notes: Her easygoing personality and good lucks will lure Marion in, then her vagina cooties will send her running.

I took slight pleasure in learning Martina Hingis was banned from tennis for two years today due to a positive cocaine test. She claims shes “100% innocent” yet she’s choosing NOT to dispute the positive test and has already retired. Good riddance liar!

Although I’m not a Hingis fan, I have to say .. suspended for TWO YEARS just for a little coke? If the NFL and NBA had drug policies this tough there wouldn’t be anyone left to play. They would have sentenced Ricky Williams to death already.

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The stripper chick who leaked photos of Oscar De La Hoya in drag is desperately trying to get a public trial to settle the dispute she has with him. But Oscar wants to keep everything on the hush and settle with a private arbitrator.

If he truly wanted things to be discreet, why in the hell did he take the photos in the first place? Or just throw a few bucks at her to shut her up when this all started. I always hear 50 Cent talking about his ruthless Jewish lawyers, aka the J-J-J-JEW UNIT…. maybe they should extend their services to Oscar.

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Kimbo Slice and Tank Abbot were originally supposed to fight October 12th of last year, but Tank was forced to pull out due to injuries. Slice went on to destroy Bo Cantrell shortly after. But now Tank and Kimbo are set to fight once again, February 16th live on Showtime. Much like Fernando Vargas’ fight against Ricardo Mayorga, this is gonna be a BRAWL. Seriously, the odds of this one lasting more than 3 minutes is slim to none, someones getting KTFO.

I highly suggest you watch this.

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Patrick Willis won defensive rookie of the year, like I predicted. It was a no brainer. If you’re a football fan, you’ll be hearing this name A LOT in the future. This kid has all the tools to be a hall of famer one day if he can stay healthy. Hopefully Mike Singletary won’t leave the 49ers this season, Willis is learning a lot under his tutelage.

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