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I’ve had my fair share of stalkers (okay okay, just one), so I can relate to Michael Jordan’s new lawsuit against Lisa A. Miceli. I believe instead of taking her to court (or Maury), he should have broken down his feelings in a way she understands. Theres no song on earth that explains to a woman that she is a sideline ho better than “What these b-tches want” by Sir DMX.
Let’s analyze the lyrics by the esteemed scholar from Yonkers, Mr. X
I f-ck with these h0es from a distance
The instant they start to catch feelings
I start to stealin they sh-t
then I’m out just like a thief in the night
I sink my teeth in to bite
You thinkin life, I’m thinkin more like - whassup tonight? Come on ma, you know I got a wife
and even though that p-ssy tight I’m not gon’ jeapordize my life
Michael was trying to get Lisa to kick rocks so Juanita wouldn’t run off with half of his fortune, but his resistance was futile. In the second verse of the song, Mr. X lists off the names of his various conquests, which further details the insignificance of just one woman.
(if you’re at work, it would probably be best if you didn’t watch the video.. or at least put some headphones on)
On a completely unrelated note, doesn’t Jordan’s ex wife Juanita look like Burt from Sesame Street?
After a long layoff… This Weeks Losers is back!! Mainly because this is the most efficient way of making fun of people.
1. Randy Moss’ Beard
Forget about going to court over your alleged battery of a woman. If you don’t shave that nappy ass beard I’m going to sue you myself. When your neck looks like Roy Jones’ chest… there is a problem.
2. Dana Stubblefield
The former San Francisco 49er plead guilty to lying to federal investigators today, in connection to the BALCO fiasco. I’ve always thought Stubblefield was an overrated player, who benefited from playing next to Bryant Young. This charge will gain him 100 points in the Criminal Fantasy League.
The feds really have it out for rich black people in the last 12 months, off the dome I can name a bunch who have charged with federal crimes.
- Michael Vick
- Marion Jones
- T.I.
- DJ Drama
- Barry Bonds
I’m almost positive I’m missing a few…
3. The Cincinnati Bengals
Stop pissing off your BEST PLAYER!!! It looks like Chad’s been campaigning to be traded, even though coach Marvin Lewis said it’s not happening. Chad took this photo of him holding up a Washington Redskins jersey with his name written on the back. Hmmmm. (thanks to BlackSportsOnline for the pic)
4. Hershel Walker
The former NFL running back is releasing a book this summer that reveals he suffers from multiple personality disorder…. We don’t believe you Hersh, you need more people. How is it your closest friends never knew about this or even suspected anything was wrong?
“I’m probably one of his closest friends and that’s news to me,” said Frank Ros, who was captain of Georgia’s 1980 national championship team. “I knew he was working on a book but I just thought it was about football. He does 100 things at once and always has projects going on, but that blows me away.”
Sportaphile hasn’t updated the Criminal Fantasy League standings since mid-december. As a result, tons and tons of things have piled up. At this point it would take forever to deliver my Pulitzer Prize winning commentary to accompany each story. So we’ll cover them in rapid fire succession.
Did we miss any stories? If so, don’t be afraid to send an email or reply in the comments! The full updated standings can be found at the bottom of this post.
Sportaphile is gaining tons of new visitors each month, so if you have no idea what the CFL is, CLICK HERE to get the lowdown & rules.
Football
New England Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss has been accused of battering a longtime friend and preventing her from seeking medical attention. Although he hasn’t been arrested yet, we DO give points for “alleged” crimes in a reduced capacity. If he is eventually charged, we will update this point total to the appropriate amount. For now we can chalk up 25 points for Randy and the football squad.
Tennessee dumbass Pacman Jones allegedly punched a divorce lawyer in the face earlier this month. Like Randy Moss, he has not been arrested and will receive a reduced allegation penalty. 25 points for dumb dumb.
Former guard for the Chicago Bears, Todd Burger, was arrested for his part in an alleged internet gambling ring. 100 points for he footballers. Read the rest of this entry »
So, Marion Jones’ rogue tooth power had NO effect on the judge, and was sentenced to prison this morning for lying to federal investigators.
When Marion Jones starts serving her 6 month jail sentence n March, the first week of incarceration will be crucial. The friends or enemies she makes during that time will determine how smoothly her visit will go. Lets have a look at the potential characters she will come into contact with.
Big Shirley Hometown: New Orleans, Lousiana Height: 5′7 Weight: 287lbs Prison Weapon Of Choice: Hot chicken grease Advantages: Can hook you up with extra jello and chocolate milks. Disadvantages: Getting on her bad side could seriously jeopardize your meals Notes: Big Shirley is doing 10 years after finding her husband in bed with the mail lady. She beat them to the point of unconsciousness with the giant wooden spoon she had hanging on the wall. Shirley is highly respected behind the walls, she works in the kitchen and won’t hesitate to use utensils or hot grease as a weapon. Read the rest of this entry »
The following are things that deserved to be mentioned but didn’t deserve their own post…
I took slight pleasure in learning Martina Hingis was banned from tennis for two years today due to a positive cocaine test. She claims shes “100% innocent” yet she’s choosing NOT to dispute the positive test and has already retired. Good riddance liar!
Although I’m not a Hingis fan, I have to say .. suspended for TWO YEARS just for a little coke? If the NFL and NBA had drug policies this tough there wouldn’t be anyone left to play. They would have sentenced Ricky Williams to death already.
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The stripper chick who leaked photos of Oscar De La Hoya in drag is desperately trying to get a public trial to settle the dispute she has with him. But Oscar wants to keep everything on the hush and settle with a private arbitrator.
If he truly wanted things to be discreet, why in the hell did he take the photos in the first place? Or just throw a few bucks at her to shut her up when this all started. I always hear 50 Cent talking about his ruthless Jewish lawyers, aka the J-J-J-JEW UNIT…. maybe they should extend their services to Oscar.
the dispute she has with him. But Oscar wants to keep everything on the hush and settle with a private arbitrator. 