The time has come for my annual post wishing Chuck a Happy Birthday. He doesn’t like when I do this but damnit, somebody should be embarrasing him on his birthday, it might as well be me.

Please join me in my epic embarrassment of Chuck by sending a happy birthday tweet using this link: http://bit.ly/chuckbday

If anybody can get Serena to send him booty pictures, that will be an acceptable alternative to the birthday tweet.

Mike Bibby becoming a Hawk? Not a good move. Here’s what Stank-0 reasoned.

Stank-0 will go on a limb and say this move squarely puts the Hawks into the playoffs no less than a #6.

Ouch! Stank-0 swings big and he misses big. The Atlanta Hawks are a (fill in the blank) A. head case, B. minor league team frontin as a NBA franchise, C. ready to be dissolved.

Regarding JKidd, Stank-0 got it right.

This move also doesn’t fix Dirk’s heart or lack thereof. Kidd is the basketball version of a straight man, he needs someone to feed off of, ie Mashburn, Jackson, McDyess, Kittles, Marion, Carter. This feels like they did this because other teams are making moves, however, it was basically the same team that lost to the Warriors in the first round so…..something had to give.

At present the Dallas Mavericks are the 7 seed in the Western Conference.

Stank-0 already repented on his sin of stating the Rockets would drop from playoff contention. At present the Houston Rockets are the 1 seed in the Western Conference.

The last thing Stank-0 was right about was the Falcons.

You do remember a guy named Nick Saban, dontcha? Bobby Petrino? You are a legend at SC, keep the ego in check. The NFL has a way of breakin a foot off in college coaches’ hindparts.

From time to time, the Stankoniforous One needs to review his work to keep things in perspective. Stank-0 is willing to own up to his mistakes. 1..

Even #23 can’t get past a crazed woman stalker. Stank-0 can see why Juanita got away with all that cake. The ladies couldn’t leave MJ alone and evidently MJ can’t leave the women alone either. Her pic, if that’s her, looks good, but a pic cannot determine whether someone will be a stalker or not.  The jump-off in question, woman is Lisa A Miceli. 

MJ, you slippin, bruh. You can meet women anywhere, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have some standards. You’re MJ, for goodness sake!

Rule #1: Superstars can be extremely selective in their jump offs. Never forget that. There is no need for a Rule #2.

Stankoniforous One

Stank-0 applauds the man for not doing anything stupid or ig’nant towards the mother of his child. There’s also the chick who tried to one up Lorena Bobbit.

Then there’s the Christmas day “massacre.”

That’s all Stank-0 could think of off the top. Women are losing it in the new millennium. For some reason this type of thing doesn’t happen to Warren Sapp, Joey Porter, Tank Williams, or Pacman Jones. Women may be crazy but they ain’t stupid.

Stankoniforous One

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Football
New England Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss has been accused of battering a longtime friend and preventing her from seeking medical attention. Although he hasn’t been arrested yet, we DO give points for “alleged” crimes in a reduced capacity. If he is eventually charged, we will update this point total to the appropriate amount. For now we can chalk up 25 points for Randy and the football squad.

Tennessee dumbass Pacman Jones allegedly punched a divorce lawyer in the face earlier this month. Like Randy Moss, he has not been arrested and will receive a reduced allegation penalty. 25 points for dumb dumb.

Former guard for the Chicago Bears, Todd Burger, was arrested for his part in an alleged internet gambling ring. 100 points for he footballers.

University of Minnesota football player William VanDeSteeg was charged with two counts of fifth degree assault after getting into it with a couple guys in front of a liquor store. That’s 100 points.

Oklahoma starting defensive tackle DeMarcus Granger was sent home before the Fiesta Bowl in Arizona. Turns out Granger went shopping at a local mall, and decided to use his five finger discount. Yeah, that’ll look really good on your resume. /sarcasm That’s 50 points.

Jacksonville Jaguars offensive tackle Stockar McDougle is being charged with felony and misdemeanor battery charges after pushing a store owner and employee, over a billing dispute. Thats 150 points.

Minnesota Vikings safety Dwight Smith and defensive end Darrion Scott were cited in seperate incidents for misdemeanor possession of marijuana. Thats 100 points.

Finally the “you big dummy” criminal of the week goes to Pernell Thompson, a football player at Wingate University. Thompson and his wife are charged in the stabbing death of his 16 year old ex-girlfriend. Thats 100 points for his felony charge (his wife doesn’t count)

Football has accumilated 650 points since mid December.

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Basketball

Lebron James got caught going over 100 miles an hour in his white Mercedes and received a ticket, this lowly infraction nets him 20 points

Former Georgia Tech basketball player Will Bynum (who is playing in Israel) was arrested after running over a man after leaving a nightclub brawl. Thats 50 points.

Former NBA star Isaiah Rider a.k.a. “Can’t get right” was arrested for outstanding warrants in Berkeley,CA after a report of a passenger/cab driver dispute. 50 points.

New Mexico State basketball player Herb Pope was found unresponsive in a running car. He was charged with DUI, reckless endangerment, underage drinking and a traffic offense. 200 points for the B-Ball Squad.

Basketball has accumilated 420 points since mid December. (we included Glen Rice’s trapped in the closet episode.

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Baseball

Former all-star pitcher Matt Keough was thrown in the slammer for violating the terms of his probation. Turns out he was binge drinking at a hotel less than a week after he was released for a prior alcohol related violation. Maybe he needs to be in rehab, instead of jail… just a thought. 50 points.

Former MLB player Jim Leyritz faces charges of DUI manslaughter and DUI property damage. 200 points

Baseball has racked up 250 points since mid December

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Soccer

San Jose Shark forward Ryane Clowe was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. 100 points.

Minor hockey league player David Cornacchia was arrested after his flight touched down in Dallas. Cornacchia took a page from Jermaine Cunningham’s book and slapped a flight attendant, headbutted another passenger, and exposed himself. lol He was promptly arrested by the FBI from which he’s facing a federal charge of interfering with a flight. 100 points for davey.

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1. Baseball – 5,350 points (5 performance enhancers, 80 “Mitchell Report” cases, 2 arrests)
2. Football – 2,720 Points (25 arrests, 2 positive tests, 2 alleged crimes)
3. Basketball – 870 Points (10 arrests, 2 allegations, 1 lebron ticket)
4. Other Sports – 350 Points (1 steroid allegation, 1 positive test, 1 arrest)
5. Wrestling/Boxing/MMA - 200 Points (1 Positive Steroid Test, 1 arrest)
6. Hockey 200 points (2 arrests)
7. Soccer
8. Tennis
9. Auto Sports
10. Golf

Former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Clint Stoerner was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated, violation of the implied-consent law requiring a driver to submit to a breath-analysis test if requested by police, and violation of the city’s motor-vehicle sound limit ordinance, which are all misdemeanors. These three charges bring in a whopping 150 points for the football squad.

“There was a distinct odor of intoxicants on his breath (and) his eyes were bloodshot and glassy. Stoerner swayed when he stood still,” the police report said.

Police administered a field sobriety test, which “indicated that he was intoxicated,” and Stoerner was arrested and taken to the Washington County Jail, police said

Stoerner served five NFL seasons (four in Dallas, 2000-2003), and played for the Arkansas Razorbacks, Stoerner still holds many Razorback passing records.

Current Standings

1. Football – 150 Points
2. Baseball
3. Basketball
4. NHL Hockey
5. Wrestling
6. Golf
7. Soccer
8. Tennis
9. Auto Sports
10. Other Sports

“Unknowingly, yes, some of the substances they are talking about, were being used as part of the workouts. I didn’t know what the hell it was,” Mosley said from Big Bear, Calif “I had no intentions of trying to cheat or do anything crazy, My thing is live healthy, eat healthy. That’s how I live. I’m not afraid what people will think. I know the truth.”

Mosley also shares another trait with Bonds, he’s a workout freak, very in tune with his body and what he puts in it. Could it be that BALCO was ran by cunning evil chemists that coerced hardcore athletes to take supplements without questioning? According to Mosley… yes, thats exactly what happened. He professed his trainer, and BALCO employees pressured him into trying out their “program” and even though he didn’t need it, he decided to give it a shot anyways.

“I told [Hudson], ‘I’m good with the stuff I am doing in training now.’ I was already feeling good, but I think Darryl wanted to make a big impression, for me to go out there and be really explosive. So I just listened to him and finally said, ‘Let’s check him out.’ We went to San Francisco for one day and I talked to Victor Conte. I explained to him that I am already in great shape but the right vitamins and supplements here and there might help.”

“I didn’t know anything about that stuff, It was something given to me, pushed up on me. I’m a health freak-type of guy. I like to have everything organic, natural. I believe you keep the organic and natural things and you will live longer. Maybe that’s why I look and feel as young as I do. I am very in tuned with my body. When I heard they were investigating the guy [Conte], was like, ‘Oh my God, what’s going on here?’ I feel used and abused. This guy is doing this crazy stuff. That’s the only time I ever touched the thing.”

Here are a few rounds from Shane’s second fight with De La Hoya

I only hope Shane is drug through the mud as much as Barry Bonds has been the last four years. Unlike Barry, I can’t stand Mosley. Sportaphile always admits when it is biased, and this happens to be one of those cases. It all started when Mosley refused to fight Floyd Mayweather because “he had a vacation planned” and told Floyd to “fight Antonio Marguerito”, yet found time to help Oscar De La Hoya train to fight Floyd.

That’s the boxing equivalent of a kid saying “I’m gonna get someone to beat you up!”, and It didn’t work. Shane has an upcoming fight in November against Miguel Cotto, I wonder if this steroid business will affect that any. Surprisingly, we’ll be rooting for Shane, because Cotto is a welterweight fraud.

But I’ll save the boxing rants for another time

News 12 in West Palm Beach, Florida planned to do a quick update on injured Buffalo Bills player Kevin Everett. But as anchor Pat Murphy read his report, someone in production played the wrong footage. Instead of seeing Kevin Everett, viewers were treated to a Suge Knight looking prisoner getting hyphy in his wheelchair. I love how Pat says “….THATS the wrong video by the way….” with a smirk on his face.

.. Okay not really.

According to ESPN, Hardaway has been kickin it ‘ol school with various gays through the YES Institute in south Florida. The YES Institute’s mission is to raise awareness on issues facing gay, lesbian, and transgender youth.

“I just wanted to go in and get educated, that’s all. Get educated on what I said and why I said those things,” Hardaway said Thursday in an interview with The Associated Press. “I’m working on understanding it now. I’m not really trying to make amends. I’ve been there trying to get help.”

Is his newfound respect for homosexuals genuine? Some folks in the blogosphere were able to predict his mission to ‘seek therapy’ for this problem as soon as the backlash started. Hardaway has been hesitant to do any interviews on the matter because he doesn’t want to make his newfound understanding seem like quick-fix to repair his image (veteran move timmy!).

Do you think he’s ‘healed’?

During Sunday’s game versus the Carolina Panthers, DeAngelo Hall was penalized 67 yards on a single drive. Steve Smith got inside the cornerbacks head and it was downhill from there. In addition to jawing with receivers, teammates and officials, Hall also mixed it up with coach Bobby Petrino. Word came down that Hall would receive a “significant penalty” which led many to believe he would be suspended, but at the end of the day Hall is expected to be fined a little over $100,000

Cornerback DeAngelo Hall will not be suspended by Atlanta officials, ESPN.com has learned, but will be sanctioned with what one league source termed a “pretty steep” fine for his actions in the Falcons’ 27-20 loss to the Carolina Panthers last Sunday.

Sources said the fine will be for less than one full game-check, which based on Hall’s base salary of $3.11 million for 2007, would have amounted to $182,941. But the penalty levied by the Falcons will still be in the low six-figure range.

After being abused, it makes watching this video of Hall bragging on his skills that much funnier.

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Psychic huh? I wonder if he knew T.O. was gonna hock a loogie in his face.