2. Sissy Boy (Roger Federer)
I am the #1 Roger Federer hater on the planet. I don’t watch Men’s tennis whatsoever, except when Roger is playing so I can root against him. I begged and pleaded for a certain someone to remind me when Roger’s matchup was a few days ago. They never did, so in turn I missed out on this huge upset. Anytime Federer loses is a reason for celebration.

3. Tiger Woods
Ugh, I almost want to give Tiger Woods his “black people membership” card back, for the sole purpose of revoking it a second time. I already delivered a pretty good rant on Tiger a few days ago, but he still had to be included on this list.

4. LaDainian Tomlinson
The first time I laid eyes upon LaDainian’s (in)Action Figure, I burst out laughing. Remember he spent the biggest game of his career sulking on the bench? Well now we can remember that moment forever. Yes, this is a real toy, buy it here.

1. Randy Moss’ Beard
Forget about going to court over your alleged battery of a woman. If you don’t shave that nappy ass beard I’m going to sue you myself. When your neck looks like Roy Jones’ chest… there is a problem.

2. Dana Stubblefield
The former San Francisco 49er plead guilty to lying to federal investigators today, in connection to the BALCO fiasco. I’ve always thought Stubblefield was an overrated player, who benefited from playing next to Bryant Young. This charge will gain him 100 points in the Criminal Fantasy League.

The feds really have it out for rich black people in the last 12 months, off the dome I can name a bunch who have charged with federal crimes.

- Michael Vick
- Marion Jones
- T.I.
- DJ Drama
- Barry Bonds

I’m almost positive I’m missing a few…

3. The Cincinnati Bengals
Stop pissing off your BEST PLAYER!!! It looks like Chad’s been campaigning to be traded, even though coach Marvin Lewis said it’s not happening. Chad took this photo of him holding up a Washington Redskins jersey with his name written on the back. Hmmmm. (thanks to BlackSportsOnline for the pic)

4. Hershel Walker
The former NFL running back is releasing a book this summer that reveals he suffers from multiple personality disorder…. We don’t believe you Hersh, you need more people. How is it your closest friends never knew about this or even suspected anything was wrong?

“I’m probably one of his closest friends and that’s news to me,” said Frank Ros, who was captain of Georgia’s 1980 national championship team. “I knew he was working on a book but I just thought it was about football. He does 100 things at once and always has projects going on, but that blows me away.”

5. Terrell Owens
LOL. I’m a big fan but still…

6. Golfweek and LSU Fans
You can’t put a noose on your cover and expect everyone to be okay with that…. and speaking of race… check out the LSU fans in this video. This is exactly why I’m glad I live in California.

And just because I don’t want to end this post on a racist note. Here’s my favorite American Idol clip of the week. I’ve seen it at least 15 times, in it’s entirety.

2. Andy Reid
This has been a tough week for Andy, with his sons racking up more arrests than Pacman Jones. There’s been alot of talk about a judge calling his home “a drug emporium”, which is extremely sad. Personally I don’t understand why this has gotten so much press, his children don’t have anything to do with the Philadelphia eagles, and they’re grown men. Let them handle their legal troubles on their own, I’m more concerned with Andy’s health than anything. Have you guys heard how hard he’s breathing during interviews?

3. Mike Cameron
It’s bad enough he tested positive for a banned stimulant just hours before filing for free agency, now Mike Cameron has admitted to playing drunk in the past. Idiot.

Interestingly, another Padre, center fielder Mike Cameron, had a more intimate experience with game-day tipsiness:

“Sh-t, I’ve played drunk.”

When?

“New York City.”

What were the circumstances?

“I went four for four with two jacks and eight ribbies. I’m not saying that’s the only day I played drunk, but that was the best one.”

4. Football Players
Whether it’s college or professional, football players are constantly in some sort of trouble.

- Two Jacksonville Jaguars were arrested this weekend in minor incidents, rookie linebacker Justin Durant and second-year offensive tackle Richard Collier will not participate in today’s game as a result. Both men’s arrests count as 100 points for the football squad in the CFL.

- Second year Tennessee Volunteers running back LaMarcus Coker was dismissed from the team after failing his fourth drug test. See ya at Wal-Mart buddy.

- Tennessee Titans rookie halfback Chris Henry will be suspended 4 games for testing positive for a banned substance. Whatever he took is illegal but is NOT considered a performance enhancing drug, which is always good.

5. Mike D’Antoni
Phil Jackson pulled his card. INGLEWOOOOOOD

“I’m not going to retire and sit in a broadcast booth, because you spend more time around football than when you played,” Plummer said. “I could go tomorrow to any of the channels, probably any of them that I wanted to. I just don’t want to, though. That’s why I retired, to get away from football and do something different.”

Shut up, you sissy.

“Jake must be a pretty good handball player,” Broncos coach Mike Shanahan said. “He’s a great athlete. He uses his left hand almost as well as his right hand, which probably helps him in handball.”

Translation: “LOL I can’t believe this guy, I wonder if he’ll iron my drawz”

2. David Carr
With starting quarterback Jake Delhomme done for the year, Carr had his chance to lead the Carolina Panthers to glory this season. Instead he lost his job to Vinny Testaverde, who happens to be ninety seven years old. Vinny was wearing beige shoes with velcro straps at a bingo tournament on Tuesday, five days later he was leading the Panthers to victory.

Hey David…. I hear Jake Plummer has an opening spot on his handball team…. take a flyer homie.

3. The Miami Dolphins
First, they get completely embarrassed by Tom Brady and Randy Moss on Sunday in a blowout defeat. It looked like the Patriots were filming a commercial for Madden 2009. Immediately following the massacre, linebacker Zach Thomas was involved in a car accident with four Patriots fans and suffered whiplash. Thomas will miss today’s game in London, England as a result.

And finally, Channing Crowder…..yes.. Channing Crowder.

“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” Crowder said. “I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that.

“I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

Channing has successfully put together the dumbest quote since Miss South Carolina raised awareness on America’s map shortage.

2. George Mitchell
We’ve been hearing about how “big name players” would get exposed in this steroid report for many months now, now he’s saying “no decision has been made on whether players will be identified in his investigative report”. What is there to think about? Is anyone involved with baseball concerned with repairing their goodwill with the fans? It does a disservice to people like Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds who have never tested positive for performance enhancing drugs if you decide not to reveal the names in this report. Besides, people love the sight of blood.

3. Walter Bryant
The TCU wide receiver was suspended indefinitely after being arrested for assaulting his wife. Bryant isn’t on this list for being suspended, he’s on it because he got married in college, you big dummy. While NBA players like Justin Williams are having threesomes with their girlfriends and anonymous bar chicks, you’re in jail for pimp slapping your nagging wife…. Oh yeah, thats 50 points in the Criminal Fantasy League also.

4. The New England Patriots
The Patriots sued StubHub, an online ticket reseller, to obtain the names, addresses, and phone numbers of fans who sold their Patriots tickets online. Technically, it’s against state law and team rules for fans to sell their tickets for more than face value, and the Patriots could seek to revoke season tickets of fans caught doing this. If anyone knows how important it is not to break the rules once in a while… it’s the Patriots. Just another reason why so many people hate this franchise.

5. Monday Night Football
In case you haven’t heard, they banned Jimmy Kimmel from appearing on the broadcast again after he told a few jokes the higher ups didn’t like.

What Kimmel did during his appearance this week on ESPN’s Monday Night Football, according to the show’s producer Jay Rothman, was “classless” and “disappointing.” Appearing in the third quarter of a moribund game between the Falcons and Giants, Kimmel took multiple swipes at the not-so-smooth departure of Theismann from the broadcast (“I’d also like to welcome Joe Theismann, watching from his living room with steam coming from his ears”) and zinged sacred cows Tom Brady (“What impressed me most is that he could impregnate two models”), Kelly Ripa (“Listen if we can have a Mormon President, I can marry Kelly”) and sports betting (“Are you allowed to bet legally on this game?”). “It was cheap,” Rothman told Richard Sandomir of The New York Times. “The more he went on, the worse he got.”

That is without a doubt the SADDEST mugshot photo I’ve ever seen in my life. He looks like he wants to end it all… .either that or he’s high.

2. The U.S. Congress
Instead of thinking of ways to end the war in Iraq, or helping the ravaged city of New Orleans, or solving our map shortage, they decided to honor Brett Favre this week.

WASHINGTON — The House is poised this week to pass a resolution honoring Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre for his charitable works and for setting the NFL record for career touchdown passes.

Rep. Steve Kagen, D-Appleton, has 68 House members, including the Wisconsin delegation of five Democrats and three Republicans, signing on as sponsors for his Favre resolution. Kagen, whose district includes Lambeau Field, keeps a photograph of Favre on a wall in his Washington office.

I know it doesn’t mean much when they give these honors out, but they really do have better things to spend their time on. It’s also another shining example of the startling number of American men who have a man crush on Brett Favre.

3. Akili Smith
As wise man once said, “damn homie, in high school you was the man homie”. Akili went from third overall pick in the NFL draft to being cut by a Canadian football team. Next thing we know he’ll be robbing people for their cell phones in a dark alley, Maurice Clarette style.

4. Joe Theismann
Looks like someone is still salty after being given the boot from Monday Night Football. ESPN decided to replace him with Ron Jaworski (which turned out to be a great move), and he seems to hold bitter feelings about our boy Tony Kornheiser.

What does he think of Monday Night Football now? “Ron is a terrific football guy but he happens to work on Tony’s show. It has become a three-hour Tony Kornheiser show. When I was let go, they explained they wanted more of an issue show and less about football. They’ve accomplished that.”

5. Deshawn Stevenson
The NBA player inadvertently gave away his American Express black card number away on the internet, after taking pictures and posting them on Myspace. Words cannot capture how big of an idiot he is. You’re in the NBA, why do you need to floss on your myspace account for 17 year old girls? What makes this worse is he’s not even making top NBA money, Stevenson signed a contract for the league minimum after turning down a three year $10 million dollar contract. Then you have to take into account that black cards have a $250,000 minimum spending limit. In terms of professional basketball he’s not making very much money to start, so he should be the last one trying to ball out on the internet….

2. Jermain Taylor
I’m not gonna make fun of you for getting KTFO last Saturday, but why didn’t you just take a knee instead of slouching in the corner getting beaten like a stray dog? Rookie mistake…. except you aren’t a rookie.. you lost

3. Travis Henry
It’s bad enough that you’ve managed to get caught smoking weed three times by the NFL (It’s a commonly held belief among players that the marijuana test is easy to beat). But now you’ve tested positive a fourth time and face a one year suspension. What makes all this even worse is You have nine kids by nine different women and can’t keep up with your child support payments. Are you the biggest idiot in NFL history next to Michael Vick?… Well, at least Vick will be a free man in 14 months, you’re stuck with 9 baby mamas forever…

4. Tony Joiner
The Florida safety was arrested for felony burglary after trespassing on an impound lot to retrieve his girlfriends car. The worst part? …… She only owed $76 dollars… As Fred Sanford always said.. You big dummy!!!.. This is worth 100 Points in the Criminal Fantasy League too.. don’t think I forgot.

5. Sean Salisbury
While there are analysts on ESPN who rank much higher than Salisbury on the scale of annoyance, Sean is no slouch himself. This week he launched his own site where he will charge visitors for his “insiders knowledge” of football. Are the ESPN checks that small? You can’t talk to the fans without making a buck? Doesn’t he look like he’s doing something that will get him arrested by Chris Hansen in that webcam pic?
Why don’t you have a seat over there Sean.

2. The Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs won their first game of the year, but their hometown fans didn’t get excited about their sloppy win. The biggest cheer of the day was when KC Wolf, the club mascot tackled a drunk fan in the third quarter. Why even pay Larry Johnson $30 million dollars when all you need is an illegal mexican in a wolf costume to get a rise out of folks?

3. Milton Bradley
Blowing out your knee while you’re trying to look tough is NOT a good look. It makes it even worse that the umpire is so old. I bet Milton never in his wildest dreams thought he’d one day be laying at the feet of an old white man crying like a girl. The whole thing reminds of this animated picture. Watch how the first old guy thought he was tough shit. He was like “hold this right quick, let me whip this punk ass”… then… SWIIIING AND A MISS... breaks his hip in the driveway.

4. The New Orleans Saints
New Orleans is cursed. Everyone had them pegged to win the NFC and go to the Super Bowl, and somehow it all fell apart, and nobody can figure out why. I don’t even think it mattered that Deuce McCallister tore his ACL, the team was heading into the toilet before that fateful play. Poor Reggie Bush, he’s gonna have to prove he’s a “true” running back while on this sinking ship… good luck.

5. Mike Tyson
I don’t know… Mike has been to jail before, but this one is particularly hurtful. I’m used to the good ole Mike, the road rage Mike, the assault Mike, the raping Mike, the Mike we know and love. Those were acts of aggression, something that we all love Mike for. But pleading guilty to cocaine possession is a whole new ballgame. Drug habits are a weakness, it’s sad seeing Tyson like this.

6. Marc Ecko
He decided to brand Barry Bonds’ record breaking home run ball with an asterisk before sending it to Canton to be placed in the hall of fame. What a jerkoff. Gilbert Arenas has taken a crucial step forward in his quest of getting off of Sportaphile’s bad side by offering to buy the ball to prevent Ecko’s planned mutilation of history.

7. Antonio Henton
The Ohio State quarterback was arrested for soliciting a prostitute this week, with a crisp $20 dollar bill. There are so many things wrong with this story. What’s happening to America when a quarterback at a famous school can’t get laid? If Jermain Dupri can get Janet Jackon theres hope for us all. All you need to get chicks in college is a bus pass and a case of beer, I’m not sure where he went wrong.

2. Tampa Bay Devil Rays
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays have decided to change their name to simply the “Rays”, fearing that the world “devil” brings a negative connotation to the team. Check out this BS:

“When [new owner] Stu Sternberg came in, he said there was a need for dramatic change. One way for dramatic change is to change the name,” team president Matt Silverman told the paper.
Silverman said that one option is to remove the “Devil” from Devil Rays after meetings with focus groups revealed a negative association with the with word “devil,” the Tribune reported.
“When they liked something we did, they would refer to us as the Rays. If they were discussing a complaint or gripe, we were the Devil Rays,” Silverman told the paper.

3. Boxing
Boxing couldn’t do anything right this week. Oscar De La Hoya got his “To Wong Foo” on, Fernando Vargas postponed/canceled his fight with Ricardo Mayorga (Vargas was reportedly 100lbs overweight), and Sam Peter’s fight with Maskaev also went out of the window.

4.Isiah Thomas
More details from Isiah Thomas’ sexual harassment trial emerged. Testimony in the trial revealed Thomas allegedly thinks it’s okay for black men to call black women “bitch”, but not okay for whites:

Nix’s testimony came a day after a jury watched Thomas’ video deposition, where he said that white men weren’t allowed to call black women “bitch,” but black men could.

“I’m sorry to say, I do make a distinction,” Thomas said in a videotaped admission viewed by a Manhattan federal jury yesterday.

5.Kim Kardashian
Reggie Bush’s new girlfriend is planning to bare it all in an upcoming issue of Playboy Magazine, this would have been great if we hadn’t already seen Ray-J give her the business 4 months ago. Us Magazine says she’s “gonna show one boob, plus her bare butt”. What is this, middle school??? A good internet search can bring up goodies such as this, and even more if you know where to look. (click to enlarge)——->

6. Ric Flair
Would you trust financial advice from someone dressed like this? ……. me neither. Mortgage needs? Auto Loans? Just let Ric use his patented Figure Four Process and you’re good to go. If this business takes off, how will I get to see a sixty year old get powerbombed through 2 wooded tables?

7. Marcia Clark’s Grill
Since O.J. is back in trouble, this old hag is resurfacing on news shows around the country giving her bitter two cents. How did she manage to get uglier than she was in the early 90s sporting the white people jheri curl? What happened to her face?

- The WNBA : You’re scheduling game 5 of your championship series on NFL Sunday?? I knew the league was dying but I didn’t think you actually WANTED it to. Committing league suicide means you lost.

- O.J. Simpson, even if you are telling the truth and didn’t rob someone, nobody believes you. Plus the Goldman’s took your book and had their way with it. You lost.

- The New England Patriots. What makes this even worse is Belichick trying to blame this on a “incorrect interpretation” of the rules. Then refusing to state what he “misunderstood”. Mangini got the ultimate payback. You lost Belicheat.

- 50 Cent, You’ve been shouting from every mountain that Kanye West could not outsell you. As of now you’re behind by a healthy margin, and you’re blaming it all on Interscope… You Lost!!

- The Florida Marlins. Your game vs. the Nationals drew a little over THREE HUNDRED FANS. Individual people in the crowd could be heard talking in a huge stadium…during a Major League Baseball game. You Lost.

- The U.S. Open scheduling the men’s finals last sunday, head to head with NFL football. The end result was viewership dropping 20% from last year. The WNBA obviously didn’t pay attention to this little tidbit of info. Newsflash: Nobody cares about Roger Federer or how dominant he is at men’s tennis. Try playing a real sport, nancy boy. You lost Roger.

- Jeremy Roenick coming out of retirement to join the San Jose Sharks. Isn’t Jeremy like a thousand years old? Roenick is closing in on… wait a minute.. nobody cares about hockey either. The NHL lost.

- Notre Dame. You’re 0-3 and you’ve been blown out by a team that lost to a division 1-AA school. The best thing Charlie Weiss has done is ALMOST beat USC.