1.Quincy Carter
Quincy lost his NFL career and a quarterbacking job in one of the most storied franchises in all of sports because he couldn’t stop smoking weed. Now he’s lost his Arena League quarterback job after being arrested for marijuana possession yet again. Since this is Quincy’s second time being caught with weed, it will be a felony charge this time. That counts as 100 points in the Criminal Fantasy League.

That is without a doubt the SADDEST mugshot photo I’ve ever seen in my life. He looks like he wants to end it all… .either that or he’s high.

2. The U.S. Congress
Instead of thinking of ways to end the war in Iraq, or helping the ravaged city of New Orleans, or solving our map shortage, they decided to honor Brett Favre this week. Read the rest of this entry »

1. This New England Patriots Fan
So many things wrong with this, and so little time to point them all out. I’ve never seen so many things assaulted in a three minute time span in my life. Lets count em down.
Our Ears: Worst display of rapping I’ve ever seen. The only thing “hip hop” she managed to do with any authenticity is mangle the english language.
Our Eyes: Did she get her implants done by Dr. Dre? They look horrible
Women Sports Fans: You’ve now been set back 50 years. Now fetch me a plate of chicken babe….
Asians: Shes one of yours, punish her at your own discretion.

2. Jermain Taylor
I’m not gonna make fun of you for getting KTFO last Saturday, but why didn’t you just take a knee instead of slouching in the corner getting beaten like a stray dog? Rookie mistake…. except you aren’t a rookie.. you lost

3. Travis Henry
It’s bad enough that you’ve managed to get caught smoking weed three times by the NFL (It’s a commonly held belief among players that the marijuana test is easy to beat). But now you’ve tested positive a fourth time and face a one year suspension. What makes all this even worse is You have nine kids by nine different women and can’t keep up with your child support payments. Are you the biggest idiot in NFL history next to Michael Vick?… Well, at least Vick will be a free man in 14 months, you’re stuck with 9 baby mamas forever…

4. Tony Joiner
The Florida safety was arrested for felony burglary after trespassing on an impound lot to retrieve his girlfriends car. The worst part? …… She only owed $76 dollars… As Fred Sanford always said.. You big dummy!!!.. This is worth 100 Points in the Criminal Fantasy League too.. don’t think I forgot.

5. Sean Salisbury
While there are analysts on ESPN who rank much higher than Salisbury on the scale of annoyance, Sean is no slouch himself. This week he launched his own site where he will charge visitors for his “insiders knowledge” of football. Are the ESPN checks that small? You can’t talk to the fans without making a buck? Doesn’t he look like he’s doing something that will get him arrested by Chris Hansen in that webcam pic?
Why don’t you have a seat over there Sean.

1.The San Diego Chargers
Norv Turner managed to turn a 14-2 super bowl bound team into joke. L.T. can’t run the ball, Shawne Merriman had 2 tackles last week..TWO TACKLES! This is the same guy who had seventeen sacks in 12 games during the 2006 season. They’ll still making the playoffs, but you think this charger squad can beat any of the AFC’s elite? Colts, Patriots, Steelers?? .. nah. Maybe next year fellas.

2. The Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs won their first game of the year, but their hometown fans didn’t get excited about their sloppy win. The biggest cheer of the day was when KC Wolf, the club mascot tackled a drunk fan in the third quarter. Why even pay Larry Johnson $30 million dollars when all you need is an illegal mexican in a wolf costume to get a rise out of folks?

3. Milton Bradley
Blowing out your knee while you’re trying to look tough is NOT a good look. It makes it even worse that the umpire is so old. I bet Milton never in his wildest dreams thought he’d one day be laying at the feet of an old white man crying like a girl. The whole thing reminds of this animated picture. Watch how the first old guy thought he was tough shit. He was like “hold this right quick, let me whip this punk ass”… then… SWIIIING AND A MISS... breaks his hip in the driveway.

4. The New Orleans Saints
New Orleans is cursed. Everyone had them pegged to win the NFC and go to the Super Bowl, and somehow it Read the rest of this entry »

1. AK-47 / Andrei Kirilenko
Dolph Lundgren err.. I mean Andrei wants to walk away from over sixty million dollars to get the hell out of Utah. His official reason is “he doesn’t like Jerry Sloan’s structured style of offense”, but I really think it’s the Mormons.

2. Tampa Bay Devil Rays
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays have decided to change their name to simply the “Rays”, fearing that the world “devil” brings a negative connotation to the team. Check out this BS:

“When [new owner] Stu Sternberg came in, he said there was a need for dramatic change. One way for dramatic change is to change the name,” team president Matt Silverman told the paper.
Silverman said that one option is to remove the “Devil” from Devil Rays after meetings with focus groups revealed a negative association with the with word “devil,” the Tribune reported.
“When they liked something we did, they would refer to us as the Rays. If they were discussing a complaint or gripe, we were the Devil Rays,” Silverman told the paper.

3. Boxing
Boxing couldn’t do anything right this week. Oscar De La Hoya got his “To Wong Foo” on, Fernando Vargas postponed/canceled his fight with Ricardo Mayorga (Vargas was reportedly 100lbs overweight), and Sam Peter’s fight with Maskaev also went out of the window.

4.Isiah Thomas
More details from Isiah Thomas’ sexual harassment trial emerged. Testimony in the trial revealed Thomas allegedly thinks it’s okay for black men to call black women “bitch”, but not okay for whites:

Nix’s testimony came a day after a jury watched Thomas’ video deposition, where he said that white men weren’t allowed to call black women “bitch,” but black men could.

“I’m sorry to say, I do make a distinction,” Thomas said in a videotaped admission viewed by a Manhattan federal jury yesterday.

5.Kim Kardashian
Reggie Bush’s new girlfriend is planning to bare it all in an upcoming issue of Playboy Magazine, this would have been great if we hadn’t already seen Ray-J give her the business 4 months ago. Us Magazine says she’s “gonna show one boob, plus her bare butt”. What is this, middle school??? A good internet search can bring up goodies such as this, and even more if you know where to look. (click to enlarge)——->

6. Ric Flair
Would you trust financial advice from someone dressed like this? ……. me neither. Mortgage needs? Auto Loans? Just let Ric use his patented Figure Four Process and you’re good to go. If this business takes off, how will I get to see a sixty year old get powerbombed through 2 wooded tables?

7. Marcia Clark’s Grill
Since O.J. is back in trouble, this old hag is resurfacing on news shows around the country giving her bitter two cents. How did she manage to get uglier than she was in the early 90s sporting the white people jheri curl? What happened to her face?

This is the inaugural edition of “This Weeks Losers”. Remember when you were little, and your parents or your school teacher told you “there are no losers here”….. yeah.. they were lying.

- The WNBA : You’re scheduling game 5 of your championship series on NFL Sunday?? I knew the league was dying but I didn’t think you actually WANTED it to. Committing league suicide means you lost.

- O.J. Simpson, even if you are telling the truth and didn’t rob someone, nobody believes you. Plus the Goldman’s took your book and had their way with it. You lost.

- The New England Patriots. What makes this even worse is Belichick trying to blame this on a “incorrect interpretation” of the rules. Then refusing to state what he “misunderstood”. Mangini got the ultimate payback. You lost Belicheat.

- 50 Cent, You’ve been shouting from every mountain that Kanye West could not outsell you. As of now you’re behind by a healthy margin, and you’re blaming it all on Interscope… You Lost!!

- The Florida Marlins. Your game vs. the Nationals drew a little over THREE HUNDRED FANS. Individual people in the crowd could be heard talking in a huge stadium…during a Major League Baseball game. You Lost.

- The U.S. Open scheduling the men’s finals last sunday, head to head with NFL football. The end result was viewership dropping 20% from last year. The WNBA obviously didn’t pay attention to this little tidbit of info. Newsflash: Nobody cares about Roger Federer or how dominant he is at men’s tennis. Try playing a real sport, nancy boy. You lost Roger.

- Jeremy Roenick coming out of retirement to join the San Jose Sharks. Isn’t Jeremy like a thousand years old? Roenick is closing in on… wait a minute.. nobody cares about hockey either. The NHL lost.

- Notre Dame. You’re 0-3 and you’ve been blown out by a team that lost to a division 1-AA school. The best thing Charlie Weiss has done is ALMOST beat USC.