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One of my favorite shows to come around recently is ABC’s Wipeout. I know It’s not exactly fine theater, but theres something about a 39 year old soccer mom getting bashed in the face by a motorized boxing glove that warms my heart. Through the wonders of Twitter, I learned that Shaquille O’Neal also loves Wipeout and wants to go on the show. (He’s mentioned this on more than one occasion.)

You know what the problem is?

Real celebrities think they’re too cool for all this, so when ABC decides to do a Celebrity Wipeout we’re gonna have to watch Gilbert Godfried, and some douchebags named Heidi and Spencer on the show. Here’s my wishlist of athletes I’d like to see join Shaq if this actually takes place:

1. Peyton Manning - The Ultimate Nerd You think this is a fun show where people just run as fast as they can and hope to make it to the end in time right? Well Peyton doesn’t think so, he’ll spend countless hours studying footage looking for patterns in the machinery, ideal launch points for jumping, and will have an exact replica of the set in his backyard.

2. Floyd Mayweather - Big Mouthed Bastard Everyone Wants To Lose There is no athlete on earth people love to hate more than Floyd (yes, people even hate him more than Terrell Owens). America will hang on the edges of their seats waiting for the moment where his face smashes into the wall…. and if history is any indication… it won’t happen.

3. Butterbean - The Fat Guy While he may be a questionable “celebrity”, he’s fat and thats good enough. Accidents are almost always funnier when theres a fat guy involved. Can you imagine this dude jumping on the big red balls? (Pause)… or on the second stage where the contestants have to jump the plank…. oh man.

4. Serena Williams - Affirmative Action/Token Female Athlete Since there will probably be a slot or two reserved for female athletes, I hope the one with the biggest breasts and booty gets chosen. Serena probably won’t want to get her weave all wet though, so I wish the producers luck on this one….

5. David Ortiz - The Lumbering Oaf Even though Shaq is 7 feet tall and 320lbs, he can move pretty well for his size. The producers need to recruit a second tall guy who makes the country wonder how he’s getting paid as a professional athlete. Plus, I always laugh when he tries to speak english.

How F’ing great was the finish of tonight’s game? This buzzer beater will probably make it into my top 5 favorites (nobody will ever dethrone Robert Horry’s three in the WCF vs. Sacramento). These kind of shots are why I still view Kobe as the better player than LeBron, because I’ve seen Kobe snatch the heart out of various teams with no time on the clock. If LeBron keeps this up he’ll really be the king of the NBA soon.

This was a legacy builder.

shout out to the hoop doctors for the vid.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but every time I find out about a rich person smoking crack it takes me by surprise. We’ve all known Michael Irvin likes to get his Pookie on from time to time, but now we can include Jimmy Smith into the conversation.

The former Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver was pulled over for having “excessive window tint” on his vehicle (which basically means he was Driving While Black), and the officer discovered weed, crack, and powder cocaine inside. Smith is facing drug charges, but ultimately the biggest punishment he’ll face is the embarrassment of joining an exclusive Cracky-Club with Whitney Houston and DMX.

He’ll probably use the typical athlete denial and say one of his friends left it in the car, but the fact that Smith already tested positive for cocaine a few years ago seriously weakens his argument. I hope Jerry Rice is keeping himself real busy in his retirement because it would break my heart if he got caught up in a situation like this.

For the last month or so, many Sportaphile readers haven’t been able to view the new updates on the home page. So unless you follow Sportaphile on Twitter or subscribe to Sportaphile’s RSS feed, you’ve been left out in the dark.

The problem has been fixed, and you should now be able to see the posts you’ve been missing in the last few weeks.

The word Shaqawockeez is now in the American lexicon. Take a look the big cactus stealing the show in the all star pregame.