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When you watch as much sports as I do, you undoubtedly encounter a few athletes who leave you in awe with their physical gifts. I’ve made posts in the past about how Jamarcus Russell is a mammoth human being, but there’s another athlete in the Bay Area who leaves me in awe.

Takeo Spikes. His neck is the size of a telephone pole.

I tried to think of ways to write this post without having huge homo-erotic undertones, but I have failed you all. Here’s a piece of an IM conversation on this very topic.

Chuck Taylor: every time Takeo Spikes is on tv, i marvel at how thick his neck is. ( no prop 8 ) … his neck is like one of the 9th wonders of the world. He should have been a boxer. Mike Tyson had a neck like that
Pearl: i wonder how thick it is.
Pearl: his neck. not his dick.
Chuck Taylor: his neck is wider than his head
Pearl: you’re right
Chuck Taylor: this sounds too gay for me to continue
Pearl: how do you find tshirts that fit right
Chuck Taylor: *throws in the towel*

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It will be nothing short of a miracle if Michael Vick somehow makes it back onto an NFL roster, the obstacles he faces on the road to resurrecting his career are massive to say the least. IF he’s actually released from jail next summer, and IF Roger Goodell lifts his suspension, Vick still has to convince an NFL team to deal with a public relations firestorm by signing him. The day after Vick signs a new contract, representatives from every animal organization in the country will protest in anger.

So the next logical question is…. What teams should take a chance on signing this guy?

1. Detroit Lions - Honestly, what does this sorry excuse for a franchise have to lose? They’ve been the laughingstock of the league since Barry Sanders retired, and they currently have a void at the quarterback position. Even if the Michael Vick project fails, could it really be any worse than the decisions with Joey Harrington, or Charles Rogers, or Mike Williams?

2. San Francisco 49ers – The Niners have a great team in place, but they’ve been suffering at the quarterback position for the last 4 years. The Michael Vick of 3 years ago MAY have presented a problem for Mike Singletary, but I seriously doubt his behavior will ever be an issue again.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Jon Gruden wants Jeff Garcia off this team so bad that he’d even take a flyer on Vick to make it happen. Vick is obviously mobile and plays similar to Garcia so this could potentially be a good look if the Bucs front office wants to try it out.

4. Minnesota Vikings – Gus Frerotte is NOT a long term option, and in all honesty, Tavares Jackson is a low-grade Michael Vick as it is. Why not upgrade to the real thing?

5. Oakland Raiders – The first logical question to ask is.. Why would Oakland sign Michael Vick if they just drafted Jamarcus Russell?? The logical answer to this question is: Because Al Davis is an idiot. This is a team that drafted Darren McFadden when they already had 3 running backs capable of being a starter.

Oakland is the one place where the public relations hit won’t really matter much, and like Atlanta, Oakland has a sizable black population that will most likely embrace Vick.

6. Houston Texans – They suck, and they don’t have a quarterback. How funny would it be for Michael Vick to take Matt Schaub’s starting job again?

7. Philadelphia Eagles – This is definitely a longshot. I include Philly under the assumption that Donovan McNabb will be moving on at the end of the season. If McNabb leaves Vick could possibly serve as a backup until Kevin Kolb performs an inevitable tank job.

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Jamarcus Russell is a good quarterback, but most of the country will never know it. I know the vast majority of the people who will read this don’t actually live in Oakland, so you guys don’t get to watch every painful Raider game like I do… but it’s even worse than you can imagine. The 30 second highlight clips on SportsCenter don’t even begin to convey the abomination that is The Raiders

One thing that drives me up the wall is anyone implying that Russell is a bust. Do you HONESTLY think Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco, or Trent Edwards would be having the season they’re having if they were in Oakland? For your sake, I hope you don’t. I’m not blind, I fully recognize Russell needs to improve his footwork and mechanics (which in turn affects his accuracy), but these things are really small potatoes when you roll out the scroll of problems the Raiders face.

It’s downright impossible for a rookie quarterback to grab the reigns of the most dysfunctional franchise in ALL of professional sports and succeed. I can’t think of enough adjectives to describe just how bad this team is.

An NFL game lasts 60 minutes. The Oakland Raiders had the ball for FOURTEEN of them yesterday… thats it! By the time the game was over, the Raiders compiled less than 100 yards of offense. The most frustrating part is that the team is spilling over with talent. However, the pitiful front office and the powerful culture of losing that wafts through the air dooms these guys before they even take the field.

I never pay attention to Jay Cutler, so I have no idea how cocky or humble the guy is, but this guy made the cardinal sin of evoking the name of John Elway in Denver.

“I have a stronger arm than John [Elway], hands down,” Cutler said. “I’ll bet on it against anybody’s in the league. Brett Favre’s got a cannon. But on game days, there’s nobody in the league who’s going to throw it harder than I am at all.”

Not only is he comparing himself to a 2-time Super Bowl winning hometown hero, he’s making an incorrect claim about how good his arm strength is. Living in the Bay Area, I have the unfortunate experience of watching every Oakland Raiders game, and I can say without question Jamarcus Russell has one of the biggest cannons I’ve ever seen in my life. (n/h)