One of my favorite shows to come around recently is ABC’s Wipeout. I know It’s not exactly fine theater, but theres something about a 39 year old soccer mom getting bashed in the face by a motorized boxing glove that warms my heart. Through the wonders of Twitter, I learned that Shaquille O’Neal also loves Wipeout and wants to go on the show. (He’s mentioned this on more than one occasion.)
You know what the problem is?
Real celebrities think they’re too cool for all this, so when ABC decides to do a Celebrity Wipeout we’re gonna have to watch Gilbert Godfried, and some douchebags named Heidi and Spencer on the show. Here’s my wishlist of athletes I’d like to see join Shaq if this actually takes place:
1. Peyton Manning – The Ultimate Nerd You think this is a fun show where people just run as fast as they can and hope to make it to the end in time right? Well Peyton doesn’t think so, he’ll spend countless hours studying footage looking for patterns in the machinery, ideal launch points for jumping, and will have an exact replica of the set in his backyard.
2. Floyd Mayweather – Big Mouthed Bastard Everyone Wants To Lose There is no athlete on earth people love to hate more than Floyd (yes, people even hate him more than Terrell Owens). America will hang on the edges of their seats waiting for the moment where his face smashes into the wall…. and if history is any indication… it won’t happen.
3. Butterbean – The Fat Guy While he may be a questionable “celebrity”, he’s fat and thats good enough. Accidents are almost always funnier when theres a fat guy involved. Can you imagine this dude jumping on the big red balls? (Pause)… or on the second stage where the contestants have to jump the plank…. oh man.
4. Serena Williams – Affirmative Action/Token Female Athlete Since there will probably be a slot or two reserved for female athletes, I hope the one with the biggest breasts and booty gets chosen. Serena probably won’t want to get her weave all wet though, so I wish the producers luck on this one….
5. David Ortiz – The Lumbering Oaf Even though Shaq is 7 feet tall and 320lbs, he can move pretty well for his size. The producers need to recruit a second tall guy who makes the country wonder how he’s getting paid as a professional athlete. Plus, I always laugh when he tries to speak english.
Let me taste your salty tears Peyton. Look at his face… he’s devestated. I’m amused by the cruelest things
When superstars sign long-term backloaded contracts, teams rarely keep them around long enough to cash in on the lion’s share of the cash. For instance, if Player X signs a 5 year $50 million dollar contract, he won’t receive as much money in years 1 and 2, but will receive lots of money in years 4 or 5. The problem is most teams will ask him to restructure the deal, or simply release him before he gets to the latter years.
Peyton Manning and Marvin Harrison are on the latter half of their contracts, and therefore they will receive boatloads of money in 2009, which puts the Indianapolis Colts in a tough position. Peyton counts for 21.2 million against the cap, while Marvin counts for 13.4 mil. We all know Marvin Harrison has lost a step and isn’t worth that much money, but do you think the colts will release him if he refuses to restructure? This will only matter if Marvin chooses not to retire (he should).
What about Peyton Manning though? According to Pro Football Talk he accounts for almost 20 percent of the teams total salary. I know he just won an MVP award and all, but I can’t recall one player actually making this much money in a year without his team pitching a fit.
The way the media fastens itself to his teat and suckles away all year.
Peyton Manning won his third MVP award today, receiving 32 of 50 votes which easily gave him the honor. The biggest determining factor in Peyton winning seems to be how he struggled from a offseason knee injury and dug the Colts out of an early season slump to finish 12-4. Manning did a great job in 2008, but I believe it pales in comparison to Chad Pennington of the Miami Dolphins.
This is the same Chad Pennington who’s career was all but dead last year, the same Chad Pennington who “couldn’t throw 20 yards down the field” according to critics. He joined the Miami Dolphins roughly one month before the season started, learned an entirely new offense and led a previously 1-15 team to the 3rd seed in the AFC. Do you realize how difficult it is to join a team right before the preseason starts as a quarterback and still achieve success?
This isn’t about stats, it’s about a guy leading a hopeless team to the promised land when nobody had faith that it could be done. There’s another thing about this situation that boils my blood, it’s being widely reported that Peyton Manning joins Brett Favre as the only men to win the MVP 3 times, conveniently leaving out Randall Cunningham. They’re so desperate to kiss Peyton’s ass they can’t even bother to get their facts straight.
I’m rooting against Indianapolis for the entire duration of the playoffs, I’m a vindictive bastard I can’t help it.