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The league-wide crusade continues. Today’s NBA report turns our attention to the teams in the meat-and-potatoes Midwest. Here’s what’s on tap this season with the teams that comprise the Eastern Conference’s Central Division:

(33-49) Chicago received the ultimate gift and curse when they locked down the number one pick in the NBA Draft this year. After much debate about Michael Beasley, the team chose to ride with prodigal son Derrick Rose. Pooh will generate some excitement in a town that desperately wants a return to respectability, while getting to play with cool hand Luol Deng. Our favorite ponytail Joakim Noah should have a strong sophomore season, and Ben Gordon will be gunning for his life after holding out so long when his contract negotiations failed to go the way he wanted. The real problem this team faces is that it carries way too many guards. Trying to find enough playing time for them all will be like too many heads trying to smoke one little doobie. It’s just not enough hits to go around. The Bulls will battle for a playoff spot this year but there simply are no guarantees at press time

(59-23) The Detroit Pistons are like Buddy Revell in one of my old school favorites, Three O’Clock High. They clearly are the class bully in the East every year but once they got their bell rang by LeBron for 48 points in 2007, the nerds just aren’t scared of them anymore. Rasheed, Chauncey and Rip remain dangerous, but teams like the Cavs and Bulls know they can beat them on any given night. And the Pistons don’t have enough to punk Boston’s Big Three ensemble even though Jason Maxiel will be in beast mode this year. New coach Michael Curry will put the fire back in the Pistons game but I am not convinced it will be enough to detour a second round playoff exit. And that is not acceptable with all the talent in the Motor City. Read the rest of this entry »

PERIOD.

Tim Duncan and the San Antonio Spurs are a scar on the ass of the NBA. If I had to create a ranking in terms of entertainment, watching the Spurs play basketball would land somewhere between C-Span and watching my grandma nod off on the porch. San Antonio has terrorized the NBA playoffs for the better part of the last 10 years. It’s like they’ve been commissioned by satan to drive all the viewers away, one fundamentally sound pick and roll at a time.

The Detroit Pistons are only slightly less boring than San Antonio, but that’s only due to the interesting cast of characters on the team. The highlight of any Pistons game is the inevitable moment Rasheed Wallace snaps and gets a technical foul. I used to find enjoyment in laughing at the fact that Rip Hamilton had cornrows and a receding hairline at the same time, but he had to be difficult and shave his head. Now I’ve been reduced to staring at that weird silver patch in the back of Rasheed Wallace’s head.

I don’t want to waste my NBA Finals experience in agony. For the love of god, Kobe and Kevin Garnett need to pull their teams through.