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5 Athletes I Want To See On “Celebrity Wipeout”

June 17th, 2009 . by admin

One of my favorite shows to come around recently is ABC’s Wipeout. I know It’s not exactly fine theater, but theres something about a 39 year old soccer mom getting bashed in the face by a motorized boxing glove that warms my heart. Through the wonders of Twitter, I learned that Shaquille O’Neal also loves Wipeout and wants to go on the show. (He’s mentioned this on more than one occasion.)

You know what the problem is?

Real celebrities think they’re too cool for all this, so when ABC decides to do a Celebrity Wipeout we’re gonna have to watch Gilbert Godfried, and some douchebags named Heidi and Spencer on the show. Here’s my wishlist of athletes I’d like to see join Shaq if this actually takes place:

peyton-manning-small1. Peyton Manning – The Ultimate Nerd You think this is a fun show where people just run as fast as they can and hope to make it to the end in time right? Well Peyton doesn’t think so, he’ll spend countless hours studying footage looking for patterns in the machinery, ideal launch points for jumping, and will have an exact replica of the set in his backyard.

floyd-mayweather-small2. Floyd Mayweather – Big Mouthed Bastard Everyone Wants To Lose There is no athlete on earth people love to hate more than Floyd (yes, people even hate him more than Terrell Owens). America will hang on the edges of their seats waiting for the moment where his face smashes into the wall…. and if history is any indication… it won’t happen.

butterbean3. Butterbean – The Fat Guy While he may be a questionable “celebrity”, he’s fat and thats good enough. Accidents are almost always funnier when theres a fat guy involved. Can you imagine this dude jumping on the big red balls? (Pause)… or on the second stage where the contestants have to jump the plank…. oh man.

serena-small4. Serena Williams – Affirmative Action/Token Female Athlete Since there will probably be a slot or two reserved for female athletes, I hope the one with the biggest breasts and booty gets chosen. Serena probably won’t want to get her weave all wet though, so I wish the producers luck on this one….

david-ortiz-small5. David Ortiz – The Lumbering Oaf Even though Shaq is 7 feet tall and 320lbs, he can move pretty well for his size. The producers need to recruit a second tall guy who makes the country wonder how he’s getting paid as a professional athlete. Plus, I always laugh when he tries to speak english.

What Do You Do When You Aren’t Lesbian & Serena Williams Takes You On A Trip To Africa?

April 7th, 2009 . by admin

You cover your face in embarrassment and wait for her to finally climb onto the jet ski.

And make no mistake…. For those of us who are too broke to take a trip to Africa, being that up close and personal with Serena’s cheeks is the best alternative. Cause that booty is straight from the motherland.

This poor girl looked like she wanted to be anywhere else in the world at that particular moment. (but she very well could have been laughing, who knows).

Peep the sequence of events below Read the rest of this entry »

Video: Serena Williams vs. Jimmy Fallon in Beer Pong

March 6th, 2009 . by admin

serena-williams-huge-ass Fresh off her win against older sister Venus in the Billie Jean King tournament, Serena stopped by Jimmy Fallon’s new show last night. They engaged in a mini game of beer pong (i guess that was the only thing left since Conan faced her in a game of Wii Tennis last year), and Serena came out the victor.

That was funny and all… but jesus christ do you see Serena’s ass??? I’d strike that down with the wrath of Thor.

Pictures Of Serena Williams & Common Surfing … Booty All Over The Place

October 14th, 2008 . by admin

Serena Williams has the key of life locked in her booty, and I cannot be convinced otherwise. If you traveled to Africa and studied heiroglyphics etched on pyramid walls, you would see the prophecy of this woman’s hind quarters.

Don’t understand our government’s economic bailout? The answer is in her booty.
Wanna know who’s winning the election? The answer is in her booty.
When will America leave Iraq? … Check the cheeks homie.

Serena’s ass knew who shot J.R.

… Oh yeah, and shout out to Serena for being the only black celebrity willing to get her hair wet in full view of paparazzi.

more pics below Read the rest of this entry »

Mysterious “Faceless People” At Wimbledon? Nah, That’s Just M.J

July 5th, 2008 . by admin

Wimbledon is over now, and in true sibling fashion the older Venus beat up her little sister Serena to take home the crown.

One of the more interesting sub-stories of this year’s Wimbledon was the “faceless couple” who popped up in the crowd. Many speculated throughout the course of the week as to who was behind the faceless phenomenon. Were they activists? pranksters? terrorists?

Nah son…. thats Michael Jackson. Look in the picture below, he even has Tito driving. Space aliens wouldn’t have a negro driver… thats a learned American trait.

I know y’all remember a few months ago, MJ showed up at a different sporting event and tried to blend in. He attended a UFC event in Las Vegas with a scarf, sunglasses, and a crappy fisherman’s hat. That disguise obviously didn’t work, so Michael had to dig in his pockets to come up with something a little more high tech.

On a side note… I REALLY want one of these masks.

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