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5 Athletes I Want To See On “Celebrity Wipeout”

June 17th, 2009 . by admin

celebrity-wipeout
One of my favorite shows to come around recently is ABC’s Wipeout. I know It’s not exactly fine theater, but theres something about a 39 year old soccer mom getting bashed in the face by a motorized boxing glove that warms my heart. Through the wonders of Twitter, I learned that Shaquille O’Neal also loves Wipeout and wants to go on the show. (He’s mentioned this on more than one occasion.)

You know what the problem is?

Real celebrities think they’re too cool for all this, so when ABC decides to do a Celebrity Wipeout we’re gonna have to watch Gilbert Godfried, and some douchebags named Heidi and Spencer on the show. Here’s my wishlist of athletes I’d like to see join Shaq if this actually takes place:

peyton-manning-small1. Peyton Manning – The Ultimate Nerd You think this is a fun show where people just run as fast as they can and hope to make it to the end in time right? Well Peyton doesn’t think so, he’ll spend countless hours studying footage looking for patterns in the machinery, ideal launch points for jumping, and will have an exact replica of the set in his backyard.

floyd-mayweather-small2. Floyd Mayweather – Big Mouthed Bastard Everyone Wants To Lose There is no athlete on earth people love to hate more than Floyd (yes, people even hate him more than Terrell Owens). America will hang on the edges of their seats waiting for the moment where his face smashes into the wall…. and if history is any indication… it won’t happen.

butterbean3. Butterbean – The Fat Guy While he may be a questionable “celebrity”, he’s fat and thats good enough. Accidents are almost always funnier when theres a fat guy involved. Can you imagine this dude jumping on the big red balls? (Pause)… or on the second stage where the contestants have to jump the plank…. oh man.

serena-small4. Serena Williams – Affirmative Action/Token Female Athlete Since there will probably be a slot or two reserved for female athletes, I hope the one with the biggest breasts and booty gets chosen. Serena probably won’t want to get her weave all wet though, so I wish the producers luck on this one….

david-ortiz-small5. David Ortiz – The Lumbering Oaf Even though Shaq is 7 feet tall and 320lbs, he can move pretty well for his size. The producers need to recruit a second tall guy who makes the country wonder how he’s getting paid as a professional athlete. Plus, I always laugh when he tries to speak english.

BRILLIANT!: System Lets Us Know Who Dunks The Hardest In Basketball

February 24th, 2009 . by admin

clemson-dunk-machineSince the sport largely lacks the physicality of football, one of the few times basketball players get to display savage-caveman-like aggression is when they take it to the hole and dunk. I’m not talking about those sissy Dwight Howard dunks where you put on a cape and throw the ball in from 4ft away, I’m talking about those freight-train-running-over-your-mama-because-I-want-my-40-acres-and-a-mule LeBron James dunks. The good shit.

The good folks at Clemson University devised a system that measures the force of the dunk, and displays the data on the overhead screens instantly for everyone to see.

“Ray Sykes had a nasty dunk at the East Carolina University game,” said Jonathan Cox, one of the students working on the project. “It peaked at a little over 30 g’s, one of the highest recorded so far. That’s awesome when you consider an earthquake’s ground motion produces accelerations around point five and one g.”

If this system is ever implemented in the NBA… I’m sure the networks will create an easy-to-understand graphic called “The DUNK ‘O METER” or something equally lame.

I would have loved to see the force of Shaq’s dunks.. but 26 year old monster Shaq that tore down the rims.

[Source = Engadget]

Video: Shaq & The Jabbawockeez All-Star Game Dance

February 15th, 2009 . by admin

The word Shaqawockeez is now in the American lexicon. Take a look the big cactus stealing the show in the all star pregame.

Shaq Is Now On Twitter (for real)

November 19th, 2008 . by admin

There’s no doubt that Shaq is the funniest, most entertaining athlete to listen to since Muhammad Ali. So I was very excited this morning when I learned that Shaquille O’Neal is now using twitter, and it’s just a matter of time before something funny pops up.

Click here to see Shaq’s Twitter account.

You can also view Sportaphile on Twitter by clicking here. I don’t use my Twitter account that much though, I always forget that its there. By anyways, while we’re on the subject of Shaq, his new ESPN commercial with Stuart Scott is absolutely HILARIOUS.


[shout out to Alana G for the hookup]

Nas Co-Signs Shaq And Says “F–k Kobe”

June 24th, 2008 . by admin

This story is beginning to turn into something completely different than originally intended. The little YouTube video of Shaq dissing Kobe has gone completely viral and swept the web and sports world by storm.

TMZ cameras caught up with rapper Nas coming out of a restaurant with his wife Kelis, he went hard for team Shaq.

“Shaq is my man, f*ck Kobe,” he said. “Shaq is my man, big up to Shaq.”

Hip Hop fans may remember that this isn’t Nas’ first time dissing Kobe Bryant. On his old album “Street’s Disciple” Nas had a song called “These Our Are Heroes (Coon Picnic)” where he had HARSH words for Kobe. He layed into Bryant for ratting out to the police and cheating on his wife with a hotel clerk.. here are sample lyrics from the song and a stream of the track below (he talks about Kobe in the first verse)

Uh, Massa used to breed us to be bigger to go play
Athletes of today in the NBA, make me proud
But there’s somethin’ they don’t say
Keep gettin’ accused for abusin’ White pussay
From OJ to Kobe, uh let’s call him Tobe
First he played his life cool just like Michael
Now he rock ice too just like I do
Yo, you can’t do better than that?
The hotel clerk who adjusts the bathroom mat?
Now you lose sponsorships that you thought had your back
Yeah, you beat the rap jiggaboo, fake nigga you
You turn around then you shit on Shaq

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